Posted by: justmiss | April 22, 2009

What would happen

So it seems that this guest posting thing has taken a life of its own. I’m getting stuff from people I adore and it’s stuff that some don’t feel comfortable sharing on their own blog. And I get that. And I adore it. Obviously this place is anything goes and I am so very much ok with that.

Today’s post comes from a very dear friend who has also asked to stay anonymous. I respect that for many reasons. She’s being real, she’s backing her words, but she also respects the fact that people can get hurt in these situations. If you read here often, you know that I have been here with her and I believe in ownership. Believe me, if done right, you can get in and out of these situations alive. I’m living proof.

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 To be honest, when Miss asked me to guest post, I was scared shitless.  Of course, I was excited.  But mostly panicky.  Because the bar over here is set pretty high.  My little corner of the internet is located in that hard to clean spot behind the toilet.  But here, everything is pretty and shiny.  I didn’t want to mess it up.  So I waited for a few of the other guest posters to come through, hoping that I’d then have some idea what to talk about.  Actually, I was hoping that they would lead me off on a rabbit trail, so that I could avoid going where I need to go.  But instead, the previous posts inspired me to be pretty fucking honest.  (Well, as honest as one can be while still hiding inside of the computer.)  

 

So here goes… How I Hear It, Special Guest Blogger Edition

 

 

I stand there, waiting for you, but I want to run away.  It’s been such a long time.  Back then, I was younger, prettier, thinner.  That’s how I want you to remember me.  Because I’m no longer that beautiful girl that you said you’ve thought about for all these years.  My phone rings.  I’m so scared you’re calling to tell me you’ve changed your mind.  Instead, I hear a smile in your voice as you say, “I see you.  And my god… you’re still gorgeous.”  It makes me want to cry.   

 

Electricity, eye to eye
Hey don’t I know you
I can’t speak

 

My heart is pounding.  I can’t breathe, the anxiety is choking me.  I don’t know what to say.  I look at your eyes.  Even after all these years, they still look the same.  Sitting beside you, scenes from that night flash through my mind.  We stood on the shore, watching the waves.  You put your arms around me… those big, strong arms that I’d admired for so long.  It was November and the wind was cold, so bitterly cold.  But it was warm against your chest.  I liked it there.  And it scared me.  It was too soon, my heart was still raw.  I wasn’t ready to be vulnerable again, so I pushed you away.

Stripped my senses
On the spot
I’ve never been defenseless
I can’t even make sense of this
You speak and I don’t hear a word

So much time has passed, yet you still remember everything, even what I was wearing.  It’s so hard to believe that you haven’t forgotten about me.  It’s even harder to believe that someone thinks I was actually worth remembering.  My heart swells.  And then it aches.  It’s been so long since my heart has been engaged, it isn’t used to feeling this way. 

(Chorus)
What would happen if we kissed
Would your tongue slip past my lips
Would you run away, would you stay
Or would I melt into you
Mouth to mouth, lust to lust
Spontaneously combust

You tell me how badly you wanted to kiss me when we stood on the beach.  And how badly you want to kiss me right now.  You understand when I tell you that I can’t.  Oh, I desperately want to, but I just… I just can’t.

The room is spinning out of control
Act like you didn’t notice
Brushed my hand.

I’m so conflicted.  I feel like I’m going to throw up.  I watch your hand as it softly strokes my arm.  You’re trying to help me relax, but it’s not working.  You feel guilty because I’m so tense.  But it isn’t you that’s making me uncomfortable.  I’m so afraid of so many things…

Forbidden fruit
Ring on my finger

 

I want to put my hand in yours, to show you that I feel something too.  But every time I move my hand, it’s there… the reminder of the vows I made to someone else. 

You’re such a moral, moral man
You throw it away, no question
Will I pretend I’m innocent

You have so much in your favor.  You’re attractive, smart, stable, and funny.  And single.  I don’t understand why you are wasting that on me.  You once told me that reconnecting with you was fate.  “Now you have the opportunity to have what you’ve always wanted, or see if you can be happy with what you got.”  I’m not happy with what I have, but it was the choice I made.  God knows I’ve tried to make it work, He’s seen how hard I’ve fought.  But I’m tired.  I can’t fight anymore.  I wonder if “’til death do us part” includes “’til the death of my heart.” 

(Chorus)
What would happen if we kissed
Would your tongue slip past my lips
Would you run away, would you stay
Or would I melt into you
Mouth to mouth, lust to lust
Spontaneously combust

You play that song again, the one about the guy who never gets over the girl.  You sing the lyrics and I die a little inside.  As I watch you drive away, I know that I’ve made a mistake.  I don’t feel guilt over spending the afternoon with you.  None at all.  My only regret is that I didn’t let you kiss me.

I struggle with myself again
Quickly the walls are crumbling
Don’t know if I can turn away

Months go by.  I finally work up the courage to see you again.  You warn me that this time, you won’t be such a gentleman.  I laugh, but secretly, I hope you aren’t joking.  This time when I see you, I don’t let my apprehension get between us.  I don’t fight it when you caress my neck and run your fingers through my hair.  For the first time, I’m letting myself enjoy how good your arms feel around me.  Oh, you smell so good.  I press myself closer to you, trying to forever capture your scent.  Maybe if I take in enough of it, I’ll be able to take it with me. 

(Chorus)
What would happen if we kissed
Would your tongue slip past my lips
Would you run away, would you stay
Or would I melt into you
Mouth to mouth, lust to lust
Spontaneously combust

You interrupt me, mid-sentence.  I’m startled by the unexpected feeling of your lips, and my cheeks flush as your tongue brushes against mine.  My heart is pounding, my body trembling.  I have to stop to catch my breath.  You try to say something, but your words are incoherent.  The euphoric intoxication is clearly written on your face, yet I have to convince myself that it is there because. of. me.  It’s so hard to accept that someone has desired me so badly for so long.  I’m speechless.  I want to say something, but my voice refuses to work.  You pull me close again, but you stop before reaching my lips.  I can see in your eyes that you want to keep going, but you’re unsure of how I’ll respond.  It takes me back to that night, eight years ago, when you held me on the beach.  But this time, I don’t make the mistake of pushing you away.

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Responses

  1. Uh … that’s intense.

    I of course know nothing of the situtation, and everyone must find their own way. But I don’t believe in staying in a failed marriage. You must decide how much is enough, but if you’ve done enough, often the best thing for everyone is to call it what it is – over – and move on.

    Best of luck.

  2. Wow. Crazy powerful stuff. Really makes you think.

  3. Oh god, I hope she moves onto him.

  4. Gah! Wow! Holy! Fuck!

  5. Whew, intense is too light a word.
    Well done.

  6. I won’t try and impart wisdom one way or the other – I just want to read more.

    Whoever wrote this writes WELL…either that or I’m just hard up myself…

  7. Whoa… because, really, after reading that it’s all I got.

  8. I’ll echo the “intense”.
    & hope for happiness….


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