Today’s guest post is being posted anonymously. I must say though that the topic is something SO important to me, abuse. I can’t begin to explain right now but some know. Mental abuse happens in front of my face, to people I love dearly, almost every day. It breaks my heart to see people I care for in pain. Please love on my guest poster today. She is stronger than I am, and beautiful and full of love.
Four Months ago:
— coward adjective : one who shows disgraceful fear or timidity AKA me.
Come look at my glass house. Peak your nose at the window. You will see the manicured lawn, the polished floors, and kids running around without a care. You can also see me laughing, smiling and looking as if I have my shit together.
Come look a little closer and listen to the conversations:
“You’re a fucking loser.”
“I gave you your hobbies. You would have nothing if it was not for me.”
“No judge in the world will give you the kids, you have nothing, and you came from nothing.”
Welcome to my world.
Excuse me while I put on a smile and pretend to the world that everything is okay. Let me read the next scripted act as if I was in a never ending Broadway play.
Because we all know perception is reality no?
Oh you didn’t, let me correct you then. If you pretend everything is okay, then everything must be okay right?
Yeah, that trick only works for as long as your mental health will allow. Then you lose your shit and become depressed and find yourself popping Xanex to get through the day.
— self respect noun a proper respect for oneself as a human being
I nearly threw myself a parade with banners, streamers and media coverage when I finally woke the fuck up and realized that I was not doing anybody any good by being a door mat.
I heard myself say to a friend “Why do I deserve to be happy? As long as the kids are happy that is all I care about”
Was I fucking kidding myself? Did I really just admit out loud that his happiness is more important than mine? Did I really just make excuses for his insecure high school behavior and comments?
That was when I started to shed the skin of the insecure 12 year old girl that always felt like she was never good enough.
— sacrifice noun destruction or surrender of something for the sake of something else b: something given up or lost That one word can mean so much.
Everyday we make some sort of sacrifices.
Whether it is sacrificing sleep to get the last load of laundry done or making a sacrifice that will be a huge life altering decision, it all comes down to the power of choice. Something I have learned over the past few months.
I chose to stay powerless. When you give someone your power, 9 out of 10 times they will take it and run with it.
I sacrificed my being more than I ever dreamed of for my marriage.
I sacrificed it because I thought that if I gave up the things that made him so insecure it would make my glass house perfect.
The irony of it all, I hated living in a glass house. Having it fall all around me was probably the best thing to ever happen to me.
It made me wake up and realize that I deserve to be happy.
It made me realize that HE needs to see that I deserve to be happy.
It also made me realize I have some pretty awesome friends who will hold my hand the entire time.
If you walk up to my glass house now you will see the smudges.
You will see the cracks in the window.
The floors are not polished.
And the kids probably need a bath.
But we are trying at love again.
It may not be the ideal relationship.
Who knows, it may not ever be.
I am doing the right thing by trying to make it work? I still don’t have that answer.
I need to take the gamble to see if we can work, and if I can stand on my own with him.
Only time will tell the outcome.
Mental abuse is something no one should ever go though. Ever. I will no longer be a coward. I will no longer fear my husband.
And he knows that now.
I lost so much of me over the past three months that I know I will never get back and that makes me sad.
But had I not lost it, I would not have found my new skin. And the new skin feels tight and hard to manage, but holy hell does it feel good.