Posted by: justmiss | April 17, 2009

Glass Houses

Today’s guest post is being posted anonymously. I must say though that the topic is something SO important to me, abuse. I can’t begin to explain right now but some know. Mental abuse happens in front of my face, to people I love dearly, almost every day. It breaks my heart to see people I care for in pain. Please love on my guest poster today. She is stronger than I am, and beautiful and full of love.

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Four Months ago:

 

coward adjective : one who shows disgraceful fear or timidity AKA me.

 

Come look at my glass house.  Peak your nose at the window.  You will see the manicured lawn, the polished floors, and kids running around without a care.  You can also see me laughing, smiling and looking as if I have my shit together. 

Come look a little closer and listen to the conversations:

“You’re a fucking loser.”

“I gave you your hobbies.  You would have nothing if it was not for me.”

“No judge in the world will give you the kids, you have nothing, and you came from nothing.”

Welcome to my world. 

Excuse me while I put on a smile and pretend to the world that everything is okay.  Let me read the next scripted act as if I was in a never ending Broadway play.  

Because we all know perception is reality no?

Oh you didn’t, let me correct you then.  If you pretend everything is okay, then everything must be okay right? 

Yeah, that trick only works for as long as your mental health will allow.  Then you lose your shit and become depressed and find yourself popping Xanex to get through the day.

Present Day:


self respect noun a proper respect for oneself as a human being

I nearly threw myself a parade with banners, streamers and media coverage when I finally woke the fuck up and realized that I was not doing anybody any good by being a door mat. 

I heard myself say to a friend “Why do I deserve to be happy?  As long as the kids are happy that is all I care about” 

 

Was I fucking kidding myself?  Did I really just admit out loud that his happiness is more important than mine?  Did I really just make excuses for his insecure high school behavior and comments?

That was when I started to shed the skin of the insecure 12 year old girl that always felt like she was never good enough.

sacrifice noun destruction or surrender of something for the sake of something else b: something given up or lost That one word can mean so much. 
Everyday we make some sort of sacrifices.
Whether it is sacrificing sleep to get the last load of laundry done or making a sacrifice that will be a huge life altering decision, it all comes down to the power of choice.  Something I have learned over the past few months. 

 

I chose to stay powerless.  When you give someone your power, 9 out of 10 times they will take it and run with it.

I sacrificed my being more than I ever dreamed of for my marriage. 
I sacrificed it because I thought that if I gave up the things that made him so insecure it would make my glass house perfect.

The irony of it all, I hated living in a glass house.  Having it fall all around me was probably the best thing to ever happen to me.

It made me wake up and realize that I deserve to be happy.
It made me realize that HE needs to see that I deserve to be happy.
It also made me realize I have some pretty awesome friends who will hold my hand the entire time.

If you walk up to my glass house now you will see the smudges. 
You will see the cracks in the window.
The floors are not polished.
And the kids probably need a bath.
But we are trying at love again.

It may not be the ideal relationship.
Who knows, it may not ever be.
I am doing the right thing by trying to make it work?  I still don’t have that answer. 
I need to take the gamble to see if we can work, and if I can stand on my own with him.
Only time will tell the outcome.

Mental abuse is something no one should ever go though.  Ever. I will no longer be a coward.  I will no longer fear my husband. 

And he knows that now. 
I lost so much of me over the past three months that I know I will never get back and that makes me sad.

But had I not lost it, I would not have found my new skin.  And the new skin feels tight and hard to manage, but holy hell does it feel good.

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Responses

  1. Applause for your honesty and bravery. I wish you all the best for your future and success in making your family work. Have strength and courage. Hugs to you.

  2. I know how you feel. The other day we were driving home and my husband was mad because the milk was rolling around in the back of our vehicle. He screamed at me to crawl back and stop it. We have a suv and it is hard for me to just jump up and crawl to the back. So he slammed on the brakes in the middle of the road and put it in park and crawled to the back and told me to drive, all the time yelling at me. I had to hop over in the drivers seat and drive but then he was yelling at me to not stop even though a car was stopping in front of me and I had to stop. He got back in the front seat and was screaming at me and telling me he should just hit me with a 2×4 board. I drove home just crying because he was such a jerk to me. Then when we got home he acted like it never happened. All that over milk sliding across the back.

  3. my ex husband was similar. it was horrible. and there is nothing more powerful than when you wake up and realize that you are the stronger one. and you leave. emotionally. and in my case…physically, as well.

  4. Wow. Powerful and inspiring words. I’m sorry that you had to go through the bad part to find your new you, but I’m glad to hear that you found her. Best wishes and strength as you try to make it work.

  5. I’m so happy you’re putting on the new skin. Most importantly, I’m happy you’ve all but announced it to your husband. Sometimes, if he’s the right kind of person, that’s all the putting in one’s place he’ll need.

  6. I wish I had the same courage as you. Youre very strong and this was beautifullly written. Great post

  7. Good for you. I hope you can have a happy and healthy relationship.

    I lived through mental abuse, not that severe, but subtle. It was still incredibly destructive and years later, I am still recovering. Why do I see myself through HIS disapproving eyes so often?

  8. I’m so glad for you. This, was awesome.

  9. Oh, good gawd. Hugs offered.

    Post applauded. I’m so glad you’re awake. I’m so glad that he is even willing to try to make this work.

    Best Wishes.

  10. I have a friend like this. She’s finally finding her own self worth after years of letting someone else tell her she wasn’t worth anything.

    I’m so glad you found the new you. The new skin will be much tougher to crack, and I bet it looks good on you!

  11. I’m in awe of your bravery & courage. just by writing this, you are starting the motions, you are starting to make your new skin comfortable.

    I can relate more than you know. its scary, but I can tell you’re going to be fine.

  12. In high school, I began dating what I thought was a cool older boy. Quickly the novelty wore off and he became extremely emotionally abusive. I wasted what were supposed to be the best years of my life, living in fear, letting him belittle me, tell me I was stupid and ugly and had no hope to become worthy of anything in the future.

    I eventually called his bluff – when we broke up, I left him dangling by his fingertips from my 3rd story school balcony, screaming after me that he was going to jump.

    He didn’t.

    All these years later I can say I’m a better person for having been through that. I obviously didn’t have kids with him, or the additional issues that brings to the situation. But I’m no longer a person that lets people walk all over her – I stand my ground and KNOW my opinion counts, that I deserve to be loved, that never again will anyone ever treat me that way. I’m more likely to contribute to a conversation, or introduce myself to a stranger after being told for several years that I could never do that.

    Its hard right now, but I wish you peace…I hope you, too, will find one day that you made the right decisions.


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