Posted by: justmiss | April 16, 2009

Fuck Thy Neighbor With Thine Mental Penis

My very first guest post comes from someone that I think is kick ass and awesome. I’ve been reading her blog for a looooooong time and I’ve been lucky enough to have hung out with her quite a few times. And two of those times I gave her money to hang out with me. Draw your own conclusions. Seriously, read Jessie if you aren’t already. Pretty much every day is like this…

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Well hello there. I’m Jessie Terwilliger, mostly known to you as David’s Doll. Miss asked me (frantically) to guest post for her, and the funny thing is that one of my regular readers asked for me to write about a specific topic today too. So with all the pressure of guest blogging for someone, trying to make new friends and impress the hell out of the new audience without looking like a douchebag, I’m just going to post the entry that would have gone on my blog today over here for you all to enjoy.

A few things you should know, Mustang Sally is my neighbor who is a hot Romanian sex goddess who speaks broken English. David is my humble and awesome man child of a husband. Steppy is a pretty boy cop who I pal around with who is painfully in love with me.

Let’s do this thing!

So Leah wrote to me today and said:

Just read your post about Sally and it got me thinking about the issues I have with my neighbour.
So do you take requests?
By that I mean, could you do a blog on how you deal with bitchy neigbours/mothers and their evil children?
I would love to start showing my neighbour who’s boss and put her snotty little kids in their place in the nicest of ways of course.
So in other words, I need a Jessie standing on my shoulder to tell me all the clever things to say.

The trick is Leah, you have to be very straight forward. No beating around the bush, no “well ums,” you just have to spit it out and let them choke on it. By that I do not mean that you should spit on or choke your neighbor, I do not advocate violence in any form unless of course you’re the owner of a tall can of mace and you’re a bit trigger happy, but that’s not the point.

The point is that you have to have a mental penis. Slap that shit out on tables (figuratively) when reading people the riot act. Command with it. Just imagine having a big veiny gruesome cock down there, possibly to replace the flaccid one that you already own, and just OWN your words when you say them.

Here, let me show you. This might not entirely relate to Leah’s situation but this story will show that you have to stand your ground and just let these people have it with both barrels.

The debacle with Sally continued yesterday evening. She knocks on the door and is oh so sweet. She’s telling me about work and a boy toy whose head she is messing with and she says, “So the book you are reading, I get that email from the Goodreads with your updates in it…I was wondering about this Open Marriage book you’re reading.”

“Yes I am reading a book about open marriage, I’m reviewing it for the sex toy website I’m in with.”

“Well…is just that I googled open marriage and I see what is all about now…so…are you and David going to try to do that kind of thing?”

“Not necessarily, no. Not like we’d actively pursue that, but the author’s ideals are very similar to ours in that humans weren’t really built for monogamy, and we already have the kind of relationship where if whoopsie, someone made a mistake, as much as that really sucks it’s not like either of us would lie about it because we feel that honesty is a big big important issue in marriage and this particular issue is what a lot of marriages lack today.”

“Oh. So you are sucking Steppy’s dick?”

???

“What? Did you not hear a word I just said?”

“Is just that he is here a lot and he is so nice to you.”

“So that automatically puts his dick in my mouth in your eyes?”

She shrugs innocently. “Other places too.”

“No Sally, there’s nothing going on between Steppy and I. It seems that we keep having this same conversation week after week. No. There is nothing going on.”

“Why not?”

“What do you mean why not?”

“He’s there,” she says as if I’m completely missing the point.

I shake my head at her. I don’t lose my temper, I just say plainly and a little louder than casual conversational volume “I don’t fuck things just because they’re there, Sally. I occasionally fuck things that come in the mail but that’s kind of a gig I’ve got going so it’s unrelated.” Distract them by giving TMI, because this shows that you’re not ashamed to talk about anything they might bring up. And don’t be. But be sure to keep a straight face or they wont take you seriously. Your bark has got to match your potential bite.

She leaves me with the words “is a waste,” and turns to go back into her house.

“It’s not a waste because he and I are close friends and despite the fact that he has strong feelings for me he knows that I need a brother more than I need a lover, so we leave well enough alone. I wish you could find a man to hang out with that you didn’t feel like you had to fuck Sally, someone who will still love the crap out of you even if you don’t feel the same way back.”

She goes inside.

And bitch has been put in her place.

See what I did there?

Sally is intimidating as hell, I admit. I still think she’s going to kick my ass one of these days or just throw her door open one day when David is coming up the stairs and make the fuck out with him before kicking him in the nards and telling him to stop making so much noise when he comes home. But being firm with her seems to work wonders.

Here’s another example that involves her and my children. Wade was out playing in the grass and he came running home crying because he got hurt. I get up to meet him at the door and Sally comes out. She says, “Wade before wasn’t so, you know, wussy. What did you do to him?”

How many things are wrong with that statement? Oh let me count the ways…

No, don’t.

Just say, very firmly, “he’s three years old.”

“Yeah but he did not cry so much before.”

“He’s three years old.”

Same thing with the neighborhood kids who stole our Nerf guns, those little assholes, I told them straight up that they stole them from a five year old and to be ashamed of themselves. I don’t care if their mothers don’t approve, I’ve evicted moms of little hellions like that. Straight up.

David’s pretty good too. A way older kid comes to the door and says “Is your son home?”

David looks at the kid and says “Do you even know his name?”

“Um…no but he’s my friend.”

David stands there for a minute. “You’re a little old to be playing with my kid.”

“Uh…okay, sorry.”

Mental penis people, mental freaking penis. Ram it up people’s asses if you have to, but always remember that it is there if you accept it as your savior. Okay, if not a penis, then a huge can of mace that will fuck someone’s shit up. Whatever visual works for you.

Told youuuuu. Now go add Jessie to your readers. Go!

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Responses

  1. Ha! Jessie: always good for a laugh paired with advice.

  2. OMG I laughed so hard LOL. Now I woke my daughter up from her nap. Thanks Miss! LOL. Sooo when do you want to guest blog for me?

  3. Okay Jessie, I might not be able to keep a straight face with mental penis on my mind, but I’m going to try.

    That crap Sally said about your kid? Just like something my neighbour would say!

  4. You just have to wang it Leah, wang it all night long.

  5. Hahaha – awesome! 🙂

  6. Oh Em Effing Gee, this is freaking hilarious. And Awesome.

    Well Played, Jessie, well played! 😀

    Thanks, Miss! 😀

  7. So if we think longer and harder will the penis get bigger?

    Just wondering.

    OMFG I can’t believe I just wrote that.

    This rawked, BTW.


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