Posted by: justmiss | March 10, 2009

An Open Letter

Dear Rura,

I’m sure that once I publish this, I’ll be virtually slapped by a few people that love me. They will be shaking their heads and wishing they could shake me for even writing this. They will scream in their heads, “You need to let him go! You are far past the point of moving on!!”.

But I can’t.

It’s not that easy.

For some fucked up reason that I am having trouble justifying to myself, I’d like to have you in my life. I can’t be your girlfriend. I don’t think that you fully understand what comes with having a relationship, at least a balanced one. I refuse to put myself in a position to allow you to hurt me again. I’ve got enough in my life that could potentially crush me, I don’t need to add you to that.

I would like to actually be friends. Without benefits if you will.

I’m having an all out internal war here. My brain is begging to know why. My heart is telling my brain to STFU. The only explanation I have for myself is this:

We shared something really great. We were really happy a long time ago. Parts of that happiness lurk in the dark corners of my memory and I am straining to remember them. I remember laughter. I remember smiling. It was there, and it came very easily. We just fucked it all up with the expectations, and the failure to be what we promised ourselves we were always going to be be: HONEST. We stopped being true with one another. You hid your feelings of suffocation with bitterness and blame. I hid my feelings of disappointment. But all of that lying was too much for both of us. We reached a point where there was literally, no return from.

Letting you go was the hardest thing I have ever chosen to do. Facing the fact that things felt unrepairable literally broke a part of me. Apparently that part of me is still broken if I am sitting hear with tears streaming down my face. Not for wanting you back. No. For just the pure sorrow of losing what I thought was such real love. Something that was apparently, bigger than both of us because we didn’t know how to adapt to it.

Every true relationship I’ve ever had, has had a soundtrack. Ours did. And coming across that CD I had made for us, in a stack of CDs I haven’t touched in a year, I threw it in the CD player and scrolled through the tracks. And I smiled. And the memories didn’t hurt. What bothered me was that at one point in time, we did enjoy our soundtrack. And that is gone.

That is why I took a picture of that CD and sent it to you. You didn’t respond. I’m always curious what compells you not to respond. So (like an idiot, as I’m sure some will agree) I sent you another message. I asked if you’d like to try and be friends, or both of us just stay bitter?

You’re initial response was to stay bitter.

Then you changed your mind, but made sure to clerify that we would just be friends. Like you thought I want more? I asked but you’ve still yet to respond.

I don’t know if this is going to work , us being friends. In my head, I imagine that it can. I just don’t know if you will let it. Because sometimes you really make me feel like I am a joke to you.

Sigh.

I’m not resting my hopes on you. I’m not holding my breath with the yearning for you to be my friend. I’m just extending my hand, hopeful that maybe we can find some of that good feeling again, without all the other stuff that complicated it so badly.

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Always,
Miss

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Responses

  1. aawwww babe. 🙂
    I say fuck him, but I understand. I get it.
    Good luck.

  2. It sucks when you miss them.

  3. I could never. But perhaps you are way more mature then I am… It seems so in the letter. Good luck, babe. 🙂

  4. I’m always one for not burning bridges. If only for peace of mind. It’s not wrong of you to reach out. Some things work, some don’t. That’s life. It is what it is. And it’s no use blaming one another (not saying you are, just talking in general terms here). It’s easier to stay mad if only to justify something that didn’t work out like you hoped it to. But just going with the flow makes things smoother and easier in the long run. Easier said than done, but worth doing, in my opinion. Life’s too short to try to figure it out. Be the leaf. Drift down the stream, enjoy the scenery and try not to get pooped on.

  5. *shaking you like a martini*

    Girl, I love you … you know that. You know how much I want to you to find someone who loves you so completely and unconditionally. You deserve someone who understands who you are, what you need and wants to always be close to you. You deserve passionate kisses, cuddles on the sofa, fantastic sex and amazing conversations. You deserve flowers sent to simply to cheer you up, wonderfully thoughtful surprises and simple gestures of love. You deserve all this and more.

    I understand how you can’t throw away a relationship that made such an incredible impact in the course of your life. I know the memories will always live with you.

    My one question is … do you think you can just be friends with him as he is now? For your sanity I agree with Maria. But, I adore you and will support you if being his friend will be good FOR YOU.

  6. I agree with Busy Dad. That is all.

  7. Hiya!

    I am friends with 2 of my ex’s, one of whom is a close friend of mine so it is very possible BUT as much as I would like to say “Go for it”, it is a very difficult path. If that is what your heart is telling you, I am sure you can achieve it, however I have found it took years for them to be a friend without any other feelings clouding that.

    There will be times when things are good, that will make you wonder if the bad/sad times could be undone – you have to be true to the path of being friends or you stand to lose again (as you said).

    I am sure that everyone will support you whatever you chose but as RLM says, make sure it is what is best for you. (“,)

  8. I can see this from a few angles, but none of them are in your shoes, so all I can do is hope that you find whatever peace there is, whichever way things go. I just want you to be a happy girl. As long as you do, too, then we’re on the same page.

  9. *sigh* I get it.

    I wish I had some awesome advice, but I’ve been there. I can honestly say that if Christian hadn’t hurt me like he did after we broke up, I’d still have very deep feelings for him and would still hope for a friendship with him.

    When you’ve put so much into growing those feelings, they’re hard to let go of completely. Even if it is for the best.

  10. I will just say good luck and BusyDad is right. However, your reach out is friendly and nice and you really should not do any more. Fate will handle the rest.

  11. I can’t shake you because um, you could be the one shaking me…but nonetheless.

    I get it. In so many ways, I get it. And, it’s so much harder when THEY’RE the ones that aren’t really “accessible.” It’s hard to have closure. At least for me…

    Love ya, babe.

  12. Three things:

    -Fucking pisces.

    -If he pulls his head out of his ass (sorry, Rura) long enough to realized how blessed he would be to be friends with you, then go forward having learned from MY mistakes, kay?

    -Cue The Killers.

    xo

  13. This lot are a wise bunch. It’s not been that long really, perhaps too soon to make any decisions on anything about him. Just be careful sugar, whatever you decide’s best to do.

  14. Oh Miss, my arms are reaching across the miles …it is so natural for you to miss something that was at one time so wonderful, that brings you to a special place in your mind, in your heart.

    I am not saying that it is impossible to be friends with an ex. I could not do this myself. I’ve tried, it was too easy to slip back into old habits, I was just too, too vulnerable. You’re definitely stronger than I am as I can tell in this post, but I think it may be too early for him.

    As your “friend” (and I cannot wait until Chicago) I want only what’s best for you. I agree with several of our buddies here – the hand that you’re extending is amazingly mature, friendship is a wonderful thing. I think closure is indeed what you are seeking, and if it could be on great terms it would close the circle for you. If he doesn’t accept your generous offer, then don’t break yourself over it. Just hold on to your memories, because those cannot be taken away from you.

    But you will find love again, only next time it will be much, much better for you.

  15. You’re obviously still hurting, and writing this probably helped you more than you know.

  16. I have to agree with BusyDad. I hate burning bridges, even with ex’s. I hope he’ll see hand extended and meets you halfway.

    *hugs*

  17. I don’t know what the situation here is so I’m going to try not to jump to conclusions or judge or advise or anything like that.

    I’ll just say that I hope whatever comes of this finds you happy.

  18. I’m hoping you didn’t actually send this to him. You’re going to do what you need to do but I rarely see this work. Srsly Miss, you could do better.

  19. I totally get how you feel. Been there done that. Even though I’ve been in a relationship with another man for over fifteen years now, I still have feelings for my ex. If he got divorced and asked me to come back to him I’d go in a heartbeat. It is what it is. He was my first love, my only true love to be honest, and even though he ground that into the dirt, a piece of me still cares for him.

    So yeah, I get it. I wish we could be friends but he doesn’t want that it seems. I wish I could quit finding guys who treat me like crap and don’t know what a real relationship entails – to a woman anyway.

  20. I really don’t know what to say except that I want to hug you – even though I dont know you.

    It’s hard when you have feelings for someone that isnt part of your life anymore.. If he was your first love, people cant expect you to just forget about him like that.

    Simpler said than done.

  21. A friend told me once, “there is nothing like history”. & if she wasn’t with her husband, she’d be with her ex-husband.

    I think attempts at bridge preservation are noble and to be admired, and awesomely mature of you to extend that gesture of offering friendship.

    May well be too soon for him indeed. & it sure as heck is tough to be friends with exes.

    Regardless, big *hugs*!
    Writing this probably was very healing.

  22. […] Just Miss: An Open Letter (Couldn’t tell you. But she often writes to my heart and makes me […]


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