Posted by: justmiss | February 18, 2009

Fear will hold you back

I’ll break the sky for you and I, kiss goodbye a dozen times…

I’m very much all over the place lately.

I’m not talking about IRL. It’s very weird, but off the computer, I feel pretty normal. Which, usually, the opposite is happening which causes me to write. No, I feel all over the place when it comes to being online. It’s hard to explain. I know it’s effecting my writing here so I thought, why not write about it.

I’ve been having a mental argument with myself over what I want this blog to be, and who I want to be online. Do I want the perks of being a “well known blogger”, known for my personality which shines through my posts, like rays of light? Do I want to be someone that other bloggers name drop in conversation, such as “omg I only WISH I could write like so and so”, when so and so is kinda a sub-par writer at best? Do I want to be one of those flashes in the pan because I met up with the right person at the right time, or I was chosen to be someones flavor of the day? (Please, you KNOW you’ve seen it. Don’t lie.)

Sure, sometimes I wish that someone noticed that I haven’t written an actual post in awhile. Of course I would have liked someone to notice that I was writing every day in January, swearing to myself that I was going to do Blog365, but just not announce it because that would have surely jinxed me.

Then I remind myself that this is the fucking internet.

People come and people go. You try your best to figure out who are the good guys and who are the really shitty bad guys. I know I analyze a lot when it comes to people and sometimes, I only have their words to do that with. If your story is all over the place, and I cant make a mental time line that piece together your stories, I’m sorry if its hard for me to trust you. If someone reaches out to you and you completely ignore them and yet act so god damn kiss assy, then I’m sorry, I think I’m not going to like you so much.

And then the protector in me wants to reach out to the people I love and tell them to watch out. Be careful! Protect your heart! My radar is going off and maybe because you all are infatuated and I’m not, I’m missing something.

It’s this sort of thing that has made me weary as of late to this whole area of my life. I’m not going awol or anything like that, I just told you, strange place. I feel like grabbing hold of the people dearest to me and just proverbially cuddling with them and ignoring all the other stuff. I mean, what’s the point otherwise? I’m just going  to continue getting annoyed at the ass kissery and the synthetic gushing that I see happening all over the place these days.

I’m thanking the stars above that my previously mentioned dears have not bought in to all this bullshit. If I had to see that from them, I might jump off the imaginary cliff that I’m sitting on the edge of here.

It’s about our words. It’s not about who we know. It’s not about who has the best swag, or who networks with the most people, least not to me. (although I do love me some swag from conferences I didn’t even attend. bzzzz) It’s not about somehow getting the connects and then flaunting them in people’s faces.

For me, it’s about being able to say that I have real relationships with 4 people who are as big a part of my every day life as the air I breathe.

Maybe that’s the difference? Maybe that’s what sets me apart from everything else? Because I feel so strongly about these relationships? That it’s not just a few emails being exchanged filled with one liners or words tossed back and forth in 140 chars or less?

I realize how incredibly selfish I’m sure I sound right now. But is it even crazier that I just don’t give a fuck right now? I know, for a fact, that there are people out there that get me. Outside of those 4 people. The ones that get me are the ones who DO react when I randomly tweet that I’m having a shit day or something just isn’t right. It’s likely that the fantastic 4 already know what I’m bitching about but those people who @ me or DM or email can turn my mood around in a quick way. So I hope that if you are reading this, you know which category you fall in here.

Thing is, there are so many people that I have minimal contact with because they just aren’t as obsessively “social” as I am, that I would adore to get to know better. So there’s that too.

I told you, all over the place.

Guess I just want to get real with all this. Fear won’t hold me back. Because really, it’s just the fucking internet.

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Responses

  1. Heee, GREAT post. The text and time allowances of the web let us construct ourselves, and that is a worthy thing to think about — but also, just the net. 😛

    I’ve been enjoying getting to know you!

  2. I don’t know what to say, nor do I know why I don’t know what to say, but I don’t, and it seems wrong to not say anything.

    So I guess I’ll just give you a hug and leave it at that.

    (((hug)))

  3. No clue where I do or don’t fall into any of this, but I love this post because it’s honest and real and makes sense to me. I think lots of us have struggled with the same kinds of “stuff” related to blogging and being social online. No answers other than to do what feels good to you. Your blog, your twitter, your voice.

  4. And that, even though you seemed to put it as if it’s a recent realization, is one of the main reasons I love you. And the fact that you were willing to say it, in the first place, where so many would fear to phrase it, let be…well, slammed on the Internet.

    I’m willing to wager that if we pull out a measuring tape at BlogHer, your balls are much bigger than mine. 😛

    xo

  5. I’ve been all over the place with the Internet lately too, falling out with it and all sorts. I feel a little ridiculous at times, and often remind myself it is a public arena, and ‘relationships’ born on it are not real. I started blogging as a means of encouraging, or reminding, me to write. At the moment, I am not totally sure what I am doing it for.

  6. You know why I am stalking..but I am coming out of hiding to say this was brilliant.

    Bravo Miss.
    xo

  7. I read so many people, who like you (shut up) are beautiful writers and have a talent for twisting and turning the written word into beauty and imagery that captivates and makes me say, Damn. These people are not ‘big’ and are not read by the masses, and I kinda like that. I want them to stay that way, because their writing is pure and too often when the audience grows and the writer becomes ‘known’ they lose their voice because they write for the audience, not for the joy, the passion the HAVE TO, NEED TO write.

    Totally hijacked this, sorry. All too often I have found myself hitting ‘mark all read’ and so I find that I don’t know who has and hasn’t been writing lately. I’ve seen you popping around twitter and really havent’ said Hi, so slap me if you will.

    But, just fyi. I have felt this too, I worry about friends, about relationships and the reality and frailty of the ties that bind us on these interwebz.

    I”ll shut up now. (hugs)

  8. I want to be so famous that everybody slaps a BusyDad sticker on their ass at Blogher. But that’s just me. I like stickers on asses. Cuz stickers are real. stay awesome!

  9. Dude, Miss, I mean this with love but YOU CANT WIN THEM ALL. That’s a fact Jack, and it sucks, but you’ve got to appreciate those who do drop what they’re doing to comfort you and you’ve got to forgive those who dont.

    I admit that I hold some people higher on the friendship totem pole on the internets but at the same time I wouldnt blow someone off because they never finished reading my book or anything

    *AHEM*

    Fack…think I swallowed a bird or something.

    Intarwebs are hard to figure out, and you also have to realize that people are trying to get a hang of this whole “friends” thing. What does it mean that we’re friends on facebook? Does that mean that we’re friend friends or are we just trying to keep track of one another? It’s a whole new strange friends system and blogging is in its baby stages as well, so it’s hard to expect much more than you’re getting.

  10. I think it’d be freakin awesome in some ways to be all known and all that shiznit – but, at the same time…I see the kiss assery and I really don’t want to participate – even if it would be the one thing that could catapult me to the top (or somewhere higher). I like writing real stuff…even if it’s sometimes boring, because my life is pretty much like that…somedays freaking awesome, some days heartwrenching, some days hilarious, and some days I just make up my own words (but the stories are real).

    And, just like my blog is real, I consider people (like you) online my real friends. I’m on twitter a lot less these days and don’t social network as much just because my life has taken a few diff turns where I had to step back – but I still see you as a dear friend and constantly consider bugging you at work via gmail 🙂 And then I hold back just because I know I could carry on a conversation about nothing and anything with you for forever. And, you might get fired. Damn. maybe I should’ve just wrote you an email. too late.

    Anyhow….please stay you. Please stay real. Please stay here.

  11. I feel like you were just sitting here with me, speaking with me… this is how clear your voice is in this post. So real.

    I’ve been in a blog vacuum; well, life-vacuum for the last little while. But I have noticed when you haven’t posted; even though I haven’t commented much, I have been here.

    And I am so lame with the twittering and social-networking. I’m there but I feel like I’m on a surf board and have never caught the right wave, KWIM?

  12. This is the perfect summation of my thoughts. Plus, I totally love you even though I can’t tweet back all the time. man, I miss the west coast for that.

  13. I WAS preparing to come here and kiss your ass tonight, but if that’s not what you’re going for, I’ll save it for someone else.

    Keep it the real deal and stay yourself. People will love you for it. Maybe not me – I prefer fakery, backstabbing, and husband-stealers, but whatever.

  14. I’m. Just. Clapping.

  15. Hey. You can never go wrong with keeping it real. And sometimes the lines blur on the internet and the people you meet cross over to your real life. But even if they don’t…If they mean something, they mean something and that’s awesome.

  16. Hmmm, well. De-lurking to tell you that I remember you back when. You have been such a great internet friend and I would be sad to not have you in my life. No ass kissery in that. Just the truth. You were one of my faithful commenters back when I still blogged and occassionally when I do find the energy to say something on the internet, you find the time to comment. Your photography has blossomed in the past few months. I keep meaning to tell you that too!


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