I’ll break the sky for you and I, kiss goodbye a dozen times…
I’m very much all over the place lately.
I’m not talking about IRL. It’s very weird, but off the computer, I feel pretty normal. Which, usually, the opposite is happening which causes me to write. No, I feel all over the place when it comes to being online. It’s hard to explain. I know it’s effecting my writing here so I thought, why not write about it.
I’ve been having a mental argument with myself over what I want this blog to be, and who I want to be online. Do I want the perks of being a “well known blogger”, known for my personality which shines through my posts, like rays of light? Do I want to be someone that other bloggers name drop in conversation, such as “omg I only WISH I could write like so and so”, when so and so is kinda a sub-par writer at best? Do I want to be one of those flashes in the pan because I met up with the right person at the right time, or I was chosen to be someones flavor of the day? (Please, you KNOW you’ve seen it. Don’t lie.)
Sure, sometimes I wish that someone noticed that I haven’t written an actual post in awhile. Of course I would have liked someone to notice that I was writing every day in January, swearing to myself that I was going to do Blog365, but just not announce it because that would have surely jinxed me.
Then I remind myself that this is the fucking internet.
People come and people go. You try your best to figure out who are the good guys and who are the really shitty bad guys. I know I analyze a lot when it comes to people and sometimes, I only have their words to do that with. If your story is all over the place, and I cant make a mental time line that piece together your stories, I’m sorry if its hard for me to trust you. If someone reaches out to you and you completely ignore them and yet act so god damn kiss assy, then I’m sorry, I think I’m not going to like you so much.
And then the protector in me wants to reach out to the people I love and tell them to watch out. Be careful! Protect your heart! My radar is going off and maybe because you all are infatuated and I’m not, I’m missing something.
It’s this sort of thing that has made me weary as of late to this whole area of my life. I’m not going awol or anything like that, I just told you, strange place. I feel like grabbing hold of the people dearest to me and just proverbially cuddling with them and ignoring all the other stuff. I mean, what’s the point otherwise? I’m just going to continue getting annoyed at the ass kissery and the synthetic gushing that I see happening all over the place these days.
I’m thanking the stars above that my previously mentioned dears have not bought in to all this bullshit. If I had to see that from them, I might jump off the imaginary cliff that I’m sitting on the edge of here.
It’s about our words. It’s not about who we know. It’s not about who has the best swag, or who networks with the most people, least not to me. (although I do love me some swag from conferences I didn’t even attend. bzzzz) It’s not about somehow getting the connects and then flaunting them in people’s faces.
For me, it’s about being able to say that I have real relationships with 4 people who are as big a part of my every day life as the air I breathe.
Maybe that’s the difference? Maybe that’s what sets me apart from everything else? Because I feel so strongly about these relationships? That it’s not just a few emails being exchanged filled with one liners or words tossed back and forth in 140 chars or less?
I realize how incredibly selfish I’m sure I sound right now. But is it even crazier that I just don’t give a fuck right now? I know, for a fact, that there are people out there that get me. Outside of those 4 people. The ones that get me are the ones who DO react when I randomly tweet that I’m having a shit day or something just isn’t right. It’s likely that the fantastic 4 already know what I’m bitching about but those people who @ me or DM or email can turn my mood around in a quick way. So I hope that if you are reading this, you know which category you fall in here.
Thing is, there are so many people that I have minimal contact with because they just aren’t as obsessively “social” as I am, that I would adore to get to know better. So there’s that too.
I told you, all over the place.
Guess I just want to get real with all this. Fear won’t hold me back. Because really, it’s just the fucking internet.