Posted by: justmiss | January 14, 2009

How to Save a Life

I don’t know if this is irony, but this was one of his favorite songs.

I hear it, and well, it is exactly what happened.

Step one you say we need to talk
He walks, you say sit down it’s just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through

I talked. I talked, and talked, and talked. I saw the signs. I watched the pieces start to crack, crumbling away, little pieces falling swiftly, a few at a time. He hated for me to cry. Was it because he didn’t want to face that he was the reason for my tears? Or was it just because he didn’t want to deal with them? Because of that, I only cry when I’m alone, and only briefly. I would scream, and yell, and ache and he would just sit there, staring at me. Like he couldn’t quite figure out who I was or what I was saying, or even what I was doing sitting there right in front of him. That part came so easily to him.

Between the lines of fear and blame
You began to wonder why you came

Every time I opened my mouth, I always sat there, wondering why I even bothered.  He never heard me. If he understood, he played his understanding down. He would placate me, tell me to relax, to not get worked up, that I was over reacting. That always made me feel incredibly stupid. Like I was the child. And not vice versa.

Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence

I tried with everything I had to break down the walls that he built. But, over time, it seemed that I had helped build it, brick by brick. The masonry was so excellent. I tried chipping it away, with my time, with my body, with gifts and thoughts granted. Everything was received, but all for nothing. Every time I enabled him, it ripped me apart. I granted his innocence because I didn’t hold him accountable for making me fall in love with him.

Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you’ve told him all along
And pray to god he hears you

Every time I thought I had gotten through, I found it to be all for nothing. Every time I felt relief, that maybe finally we could move on, be us again, the sun would set and come up the next day, and every good feeling would be gone. I knew that it all meant nothing when I would go to get up in the morning, and he wouldn’t pull me back to him. I thought I had forgotten how it felt to sleep next to someone and feel so very alone.

When I wake up next to you, please pull me back when I go to get up. Please.

As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he’ll say he’s just not the same
And you’ll begin to wonder why you came

“If you saw my smile today, you would see that it’s not the same”. Yea? Well who’s fault is that? I tried. I wanted it. I needed you. And… you let me down. You left me alone. You helped me be me, helped me get my life back, and then you shit all over it. I will forever be thankful for making me look into a mirror and see myself again, but I will forever be bitter over the taste you left in my mouth. You are a coward. But I say thank you. You showed me, even if it was for a fraction of a second, that I was worth something more than what I felt I was. It was enough to make me grow up and admit to myself that I was in an unhealthy relationship. Only to turn the beautiful thing we had into something hideous.

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to safe a life

Despite all 700 of these words, I am ok. I. AM. OK. I smile. Every single day. I laugh. I blush. My heart flutters. I’m letting go of things that used to make me crazy. I’m willing to believe that it can be simple, once you get past all the complications. I want to prove to the world, to the people who doubt, who refuse to believe, that it CAN be simple.

That being with someone who is your match, your lobster even, is the easiest thing in the world.

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Responses

  1. Wow. All I can say is Wow.

  2. Heres to finding your fucklobster.

    Sounds like a song.

    We were at the beach, everybody had matching towels!
    Somebody went under a dock, and there they saw a fuck,
    but it wasnt a fuck!

    IT WAS A FUCKLOBSTER!

  3. (I’ll have what jessie is having. With extra butter)

    For serious, you can see symbolism so easily. You could be a musical interpreter.

  4. Awww…I loved that episode of Friends (he’s her lobster!)…or are you too young to remember that? =)

  5. I’m proud of you for all that you’ve gone through and you have an awesome attitude. ’09 is gonna be good, I know it.

  6. Every time I opened my mouth, I always sat there, wondering why I even bothered. He never heard me. If he understood, he played his understanding down. He would placate me, tell me to relax, to not get worked up, that I was over reacting. That always made me feel incredibly stupid. Like I was the child. And not vice versa.

    I am not one to just cut and paste. But you know. You so know why I chose that. Hugs Miss.

  7. I was going to write something deep, but then I read Jessie’s comment and am dancing around my office singing “It wasn’t wasn’t a rock, it was a fuck… a fuuuuuck lobsterrrrr!”

    How can one write anything of worth after that?

  8. Oh. Hell.

    This song totally fits me right now. So, so much. It’s like you just guest posted for me…except on your OWN blog and about you.

  9. Songs do that for me too. Reflect my life.

    I totally get what you are feeling.


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