I would like this year to mean something new. The proverbial slate is clean and I would love nothing more than to make drastic changes to improve my life but that hasn’t been my style for at least two years.
After the little mishap of whore calling back in November, I pretty much figured that a certain chapter of my life was closed. I honestly did not struggle at that particular moment in time with being angry and over it right then and there. Having easily accessible distractions help.
Guess who decided to make a little comeback on Monday night/Tuesday Morning? With the little suggestion not to write about it on my blog. Yea. Well, that’s what I DO. I didn’t get called a whore this time (phew), in fact quite the opposite. Which, honestly, I’m not really down for. I wasn’t and I told him that. I explained how much it hurt the first time, and how hard it was to get over. I explained how I felt the second time too. I told him that he would have to get his shit completely together if he thought we had a chance. He did say he knew that, but come to think of it, never actually said that he would. We did kinda agree to see each other today and that phone calls would be made from him to confirm that.
Needless to say, the calls never came. I bluffed and sent a text saying that I wasn’t expecting it but of course I was. After spending 3 of the past New Year’s with him, and being alone this year, I struggled. I went to the movies alone. I cried. I smoked and tried to call him. My phone never connected which I choose to believe was the Universe helping me out a bit. I cried some more. I talked and giggled with my friend. I fell asleep smiling thanks to another.
Then it hit me again today. I was angry. I was sad. I DID call. A few times. The calls were ignored. 6 text messages were read and ignored. Then. I took a deep breath, wiped my eyes, washed my face and made a decision.
No more of this. I can’t do it. If he feels that I am special to him and he tells me so, he would have answered my calls. He would have sent me a message. And I get that now. I got it before but it’s not easy being strong all of the time. My last message to him was to do me a favor and forget that he ever knew me.
Because I don’t need him. Sure, I have love for him. But I don’t have respect for who he is. Why should I respect someone who has zero respect for me?
One thing I learned last year, and will apply time and time again in 2009, is that I deserve better. I deserve the best. And even if I can’t directly have the best, I’m getting it in small and certain doses. And that’s ok for now. It might be better at this exact time. Only time will tell.
And who knows what this year will bring? I certainly wasn’t expecting what I got in 2008. That goes for the bad, and for the really, really good.
Until then… I guess I’ll keep kissing frogs, until one of these times, he turns into a Prince.