Posted by: justmiss | December 12, 2008

To Love

Most days, I cant help but think about the things I have lost.

I won’t lie. I’ve loved. The first time Love really broke my heart, it took almost 5 years for me to stop thinking about him every single day. By the time he slipped from my mind, my son was almost 4 years old. Having someone invade your thoughts for 5 years is consuming. Then again,  I feel now that I was young and foolish about him. I can’t tell now how much he loved me back and that’s ok.

The most recent time that Love hurt me was with Rura. I loved him. Fiercely. What I felt was the type of love the courses through your veins, makes you feel like you are turning inside out. Where it’s so good that your throat catches and you struggle to take a deep breath. Everything between us was accelerated. We fell, we peaked, and we crashed. 3 years. One going up, one leveling out, and the last falling out. In that last year, as he changed, I changed. I thought I wanted what he had, who he was. I was willing to struggle just to reach happiness with him. I was willing to do that, but he wasn’t ready for any of that. We really saved each other at different points in each others lives. Maybe that was our purpose for being together. Maybe I’ll find more reason for what we had at a later time. And maybe one day soon, I’ll stop missing him.

I miss him for different reason’s every day. I don’t miss who he became at the end. I miss the memory of who he was when I fell for him. Strong. Confident without being cocky. Mature. Content. And a companion.

I miss that in my life. I don’t have a huge problem with being alone. I can watch whatever I want. Eat whatever I want. Play whatever music I want.

But is it so horrible to want someone by my side? To talk to. Laugh with. Listen to music with. Smile because of. Lay in their arms in the middle of the afternoon, just because we have something to say to each other. Try new foods with. Travel with. Be ME with.

Be me with. Is that really asking a lot? I want to be understood. And if I am confusing, I want someone to want to know me bad enough to ask me to explain who I am. I want to talk and be heard, not just as a low frequency, but as if anything I say is the most interesting thing right then. To have someone to go home to, sit with, have dinner, talk about our days, and go through all the motions and have them be comforting and familiar and get us to the end of the night where we sleep quietly next to each other. Above all else, I want it to be simple. If I’ve learned anything in the last 6 months, it is that I want simplicity.

But that’s a pipe dream. Is anything that you earn or deserve ever really simple? Every time I’ve ever felt happiness, I’ve had to suffer through pain to get there. Is that the natural course of action? I don’t really know. I’ve seen people who haven’t really suffered, at least not in the ways I have, that have everything. Why has it come so easily to them? What have they done to really deserve this? Truth be told, they haven’t done anything, they dont deserve it, and 9 out of 10 times, they don’t appreciate what they have. But I suppose that’s life. What can be done? And really, how do I even know what they’ve seen. Maybe they have hurt to get to where they are.

I suppose when I find that person, I’ll know. It will be beautiful. I just hope that what I am feeling now is my pain that will bring me to him. Because if there is more pain coming, well, he better be worth it. Then again, I think I’ll know for sure if he is or not. And if I’m wrong, at least I’ll know that I loved with all I had.

At least I can say,
I was not afraid.
I loved you all the way.
I’d pick the fool any day.

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Responses

  1. Dude? Dude. DUDE.

    If it helps, I suffered. i fought, I kicked, I cried and I died a million times over to be where I am today with this man. I gave everything, time and time again, I SHOULD have left, I just didn’t. And when i did, I came back again. It took me 13 years of banging my head against walls, of him ripping my heart out and stomping on it, to get here. And it was worth every fucking minute. I’m glad it wasn’t simple. I’m glad we had to fight for it.

    And you? You are this amazing, beautiful woman, and when the man who is your equal, who is WORTH you, comes along, he’s going to be the luckiest man alive.

  2. Nope, it’s not simple.. It’s almost NEVER simple. You said it yourself. The ones that have it simple don’t appreciate it, they are also the ones who are unprepared for the hard time that is eventually going to come. Then they too will have to fight & scrabble to make it, that time comes for everyone.

    Keep waiting for the right one, he’s out there, and he’s fighting and suffering to get to you. And he’ll be worth everything.

  3. Oh sweetness, it isn’t simple, not at all. It’s hurting me that you’re hurting so, believe it or not I’ve been there, and yes, even with the Man. Peaches and cream and all that fine stuff is on my blog, but there have been tears, anger and all that fun stuff that got us to where we are.

    And now it does seem simple, although in reality it honestly isn’t always. I even have moments some days where I feel like such a miserable hag… and I’ve asked “You’d never leave me right?”. And he responds :”Well, where the hell would I go, anyway?”. And although years ago I might have been so insulted, I just agree with him. “Yeah, where the hell would you go?” and we just crack right up.

    I SOOOO wish you the companionship and the love that you deserve. You’ve had a really rough ride of it, that I know. You deserve a wonderful relationship, where you can just be you, the beautiful you that you are. He will come, don’t worry. I’ve always said, when you least expect it, expect it.

  4. Miss, that was beautiful. I hope you find the person you deserve. I hope I can find someone too……Peace, Mike.

  5. I am bawling at work because of this..I am going to email you..

  6. Simplicity. Genius. That IS all it should be. And it never is.

  7. *say what you need to say…*

    this was beautiful, honey. it takes a LOT of work to get to simple. and even then it’s still not SIMPLE simple.

    I hope you find what you’re looking for… internally and externally…

    LOVE to you, mi amiga.

  8. Maybe everyone suffers in one way or another…whether now or later…some things just don’t get talked about much…and some things are looked at in different lights.

    You will find your someone, just refuse to settle and refuse to give up.

    Love ya

  9. I think…without pain, we have no measure for pleasure. And I think that if we never hurt, then we’d never know what potential existed for NOT hurting.

    But it will come to you. And when it does, it will be so sweet, you won’t even realized it’s happened until you’re in it. xo

  10. Mark this post for the next five years from someone who knows: “When you are truly ready, you will find THE person to love — and more importantly, THE person that will love you Unconditionally”! Also, you will likely “settle” for your love interest, but you will “settle” in a good, positive way. That said, if you’re looking for passionate, hot, volatile, varietal relationships, nothing wrong with that either (all depends on what you are “ready” for)…Be well my dear.

  11. I have tears in my eyes. You are certainly not asking a lot, and you deserve to be loved all the way in return.

    I wish I had better words to offer. But I can relate to your 3 years, and it’s still hard to look back on them sometimes.

  12. I’m so glad I found you. I can completely understand where you’re coming from. I had those years too.

    You’ll find it. You will. Keep on keepin’ on, Sister.

  13. Honestly, I took everything I have for granted until it slapped me square in the back of my head. I’ve learned I need to work at what I have, and to do everything I can to keep it together.

    Find your inner peace and happiness. Then party with it and invite friends.

  14. I wish I had some magical words to help you find that special someone, but if I did I wouldn’t be in the position I am in! I dream of that man casually slipping into my life first as a friend then as the love of my life. I dream of him making my life financially stable, emotionally fulfilling and romantic enough to make Shakespeare inspired. I dream of a man that my daughter can describe as kind and gentle, who can golf with my dad, chat it up with my mom and hang out with my friends. Hmmm, I might be single for a while. Well, at least I got you, ZJ and my glass of wine!

  15. I think you want what all of us want, and you described it so well. It’s not simple, though. Some of it is the two right people appearing in each others lives, but it takes work from there. It will happen, I’m sure. And you’ll appreciate it, which will make it that much more special.

  16. i tend to agree with zoeyjane that you need the tough stuff, the shit, the crap and the hurt to feel and see the pleasures in life.

  17. Simplicity? What’s this word you speak of? Not familiar. And I am not entirely sure that is what anything is. Simplicity is the way your love for your kids come about. I think part of the ‘companionship’ you mentioned, the part that makes you ‘work’ for it is knowing that really, it can end.

  18. Be ME with.

    *applause*
    Great post and sentiment.

  19. “At least I can say,
    I was not afraid.
    I loved you all the way.
    I’d pick the fool any day”

    It makes sense…
    A LOT more than you imagine. 🙂


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