Most days, I cant help but think about the things I have lost.
I won’t lie. I’ve loved. The first time Love really broke my heart, it took almost 5 years for me to stop thinking about him every single day. By the time he slipped from my mind, my son was almost 4 years old. Having someone invade your thoughts for 5 years is consuming. Then again, I feel now that I was young and foolish about him. I can’t tell now how much he loved me back and that’s ok.
The most recent time that Love hurt me was with Rura. I loved him. Fiercely. What I felt was the type of love the courses through your veins, makes you feel like you are turning inside out. Where it’s so good that your throat catches and you struggle to take a deep breath. Everything between us was accelerated. We fell, we peaked, and we crashed. 3 years. One going up, one leveling out, and the last falling out. In that last year, as he changed, I changed. I thought I wanted what he had, who he was. I was willing to struggle just to reach happiness with him. I was willing to do that, but he wasn’t ready for any of that. We really saved each other at different points in each others lives. Maybe that was our purpose for being together. Maybe I’ll find more reason for what we had at a later time. And maybe one day soon, I’ll stop missing him.
I miss him for different reason’s every day. I don’t miss who he became at the end. I miss the memory of who he was when I fell for him. Strong. Confident without being cocky. Mature. Content. And a companion.
I miss that in my life. I don’t have a huge problem with being alone. I can watch whatever I want. Eat whatever I want. Play whatever music I want.
But is it so horrible to want someone by my side? To talk to. Laugh with. Listen to music with. Smile because of. Lay in their arms in the middle of the afternoon, just because we have something to say to each other. Try new foods with. Travel with. Be ME with.
Be me with. Is that really asking a lot? I want to be understood. And if I am confusing, I want someone to want to know me bad enough to ask me to explain who I am. I want to talk and be heard, not just as a low frequency, but as if anything I say is the most interesting thing right then. To have someone to go home to, sit with, have dinner, talk about our days, and go through all the motions and have them be comforting and familiar and get us to the end of the night where we sleep quietly next to each other. Above all else, I want it to be simple. If I’ve learned anything in the last 6 months, it is that I want simplicity.
But that’s a pipe dream. Is anything that you earn or deserve ever really simple? Every time I’ve ever felt happiness, I’ve had to suffer through pain to get there. Is that the natural course of action? I don’t really know. I’ve seen people who haven’t really suffered, at least not in the ways I have, that have everything. Why has it come so easily to them? What have they done to really deserve this? Truth be told, they haven’t done anything, they dont deserve it, and 9 out of 10 times, they don’t appreciate what they have. But I suppose that’s life. What can be done? And really, how do I even know what they’ve seen. Maybe they have hurt to get to where they are.
I suppose when I find that person, I’ll know. It will be beautiful. I just hope that what I am feeling now is my pain that will bring me to him. Because if there is more pain coming, well, he better be worth it. Then again, I think I’ll know for sure if he is or not. And if I’m wrong, at least I’ll know that I loved with all I had.
At least I can say,
I was not afraid.
I loved you all the way.
I’d pick the fool any day.