Posted by: justmiss | November 19, 2008

Two Years Ago (Yesterday)

Two years ago yesterday I made the decision to change my life. Something inside of me snapped that day. I couldn’t take the screaming. The constant stream of hate that flowed from the lips of the man I had chosen to spend my life with. If I based my self worth on what he thought I was, that would mean I was worthless, fat, stupid, ignorant, ugly, and a horrible mother to top it off. I could do nothing right and every decision I made was the wrong one. I was taught how to think, how to act, and most importantly how to take care of him. And I learned. Quickly. And I practiced what he taught to the letter. But it was never good enough for him. So I stopped trying to be good enough. I stopped trying to be anything other than a mother to the only thing in my life that had ever made sense to me. The only thing in 10 years he had ever given me that was good.

Two years ago yesterday I was on my way home. On my way home to a fight that was already escalating over the phone. He was screaming. I was crying and screaming back. Company was coming and I knew that I had to pretend all was good and that once the last person left, I would be subjected to the end of the fight. Which could have lasted for hours. I knew what was ahead and I had no strength left to fight. So I never went home.

He left message after message demanding I come back. The one that sticks out in my mind still said “If you come home now, it won’t be so bad for you.”

The next day, once I knew he was at a soccer game, I went to our home and gathered up as much of my and my son’s stuff as I could. I drove to his moms house and picked up my boy. I then went to my parents and told them that I had just left my husband.

The first few months were hard. I lived in terror. Every noise made me think it was him coming for us. Whenever I saw him to drop off my son, it was a fight.

It’s been two ears. And as I write this, I know it was the best decision I have ever made in my entire life. I look at what’s in front of my and whats trailing behind and I know in my heart and soul that I’ve never made a better choice.

Everything that he made me believe of myself is gone. I know that I am a good person. I know how beautiful I am inside. I feel beautiful every day, even as I write this.

So thank you. To everyone in my life who has helped me see who I am. To my beautiful baby boy who is growing up quicker than I ever imagined and who has helped me breathe and laugh in the darkest of times. Mama’s gonna get you something special to celebrate our anniversary. The anniversary of a better life.

For both of us.

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Responses

  1. I’m proud of you, Mama.

  2. Oh Miss.. I want to hug you.. I am so proud of you.. mwah..Happy anniversary to your new life.. xoxox

  3. That took balls. Awesome crossroads decision. And that road definitely took you and your boy to a better place.

  4. My comment is coming in YET ANOTHER email form.

  5. I am going to kick his ass. For the both of us. And you? Totally did the right thing. There are so many women out there who never wake up. It’s so sad, and I’m glad you’re okay.

  6. A lot of guys do that to control you. It took a lot of courage to leave him. He never would have gotten better. They say they will and it lasts about a day, then it goes back to the same out putting down. I am glad you are strong and happy.

  7. I can’t WAIT to meet you.

  8. I’m so happy that you feel beautiful everyday. You should. And anyone who’d tell you differently is obviously very ugly, inside. Love.

  9. I am so proud of you. You are so incredibly strong and eloquent. You are a blessing in your child’s life and mine. You are a beautiful person inside and out. *HUG*

  10. I’m sorry you had to go through so much, but I’m proud of you for the way you handled it. And your son will be even prouder of his wonderful mama when he grows up.

  11. That guy is a dipshit and I hope he is in physical pain every single time he sees you, because he lost the BEST thing that could have ever happened to him. And it’s all his fault.

    I still can’t bring myself to write about my son’s father. It would be a 600 part series.

  12. You did a good thing Miss and you ARE a good thing.

  13. I could never understand how one person could be so shitty to another………………it guys like that who give the rest of us a bad name. Eres muy bonita! Peace, Mike.

  14. You are awesome. And strong. And I admire your courage so very much.

  15. I know how difficult what you did must have been. But it certainly sounds like you made the right decision. And, believe me, someday when your boy is my age, he will thank you for it. Nice work…life’s too short.

  16. You’re my hero. xo

  17. Very brave.

  18. I love how you took back yourself.

  19. You go girl. So many continue on that horrible path, I’m happy you made a U-turn

  20. heyyyyy
    the hard decisions to take are almost always hte best ones we take in the end!
    Congrats for your new life’s anniversary!!
    I wish many other happy years ahead!!!
    STAY BLESSED!

    xxx

  21. An amazing and inspiring post. Thank you for sharing with us and I am proud of you for finding the courage.

  22. YOU are one awesome woman and mother. I’ll join the other here in being so very proud of you. Because I am. And I know your son is too.

  23. You have no idea what a strength and inspiration you’ve been to me over the past 6 months…I guarantee this post has really touched and hit home to many of your readers today.

    Happy 2 years darling…I’m so proud of you for putting in all out here.

    Bravo and major ((hugs)).
    xo

  24. Your courage astounds me, Miss. Happy anniversary on your new life… a much, much better one, for you and your beautiful boy.


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