I’ve never felt like I’ve been the best at anything. I don’t know that I’ve ever strived to BE the best at anything either so maybe that’s why. I suppose, if I really wanted to open a huge can of worms, I could try to figure that out. But I’ll spare you and my own fragile psyche right now.
I do however, feel like I’m second best a lot. I struggle a lot, dealing with what people think of me, how I’m treated by other people, and how people react to me.
Take blogging. I blog for myself, but I would be a liar if I said I didn’t care about comments. Everyone loves comments. They make you feel a little less alone in this big blogging world. I especially love to know that people are reading, and that something I said caused them to take a minute to say something. I love to know that people take a minute out of their lives to read the words that I’ve written. I don’t actively go out of my way to get new readers but I appreciate everyone who reads here.
I don’t know about you, but I’m always looking for interesting blogs to read. I keep an eye out on twitter, blogrolls, linky love, that kind of stuff. Every time I come across a new blog, I always check their blogroll to see if any of my favorite reads are there. If so, I’ll take a minute and read a few posts. Twitter is great for this because if my friends are talking to someone I don’t know, they must be some kind of awesome. So I check them out. Am I the only one that does this? I came across a blogger today who’s blog roll has almost EVERY single one of my friends blogs on it. Almost. Every. Single. One. That is rare. It makes me wonder how this blogger came across all my favorite people in the world, yet has made no notice of me. Or maybe they did. Maybe they did, came here, read a post and totally hated what I wrote.
I know I’m not your average “mommy blogger”. And I’m really ok with that. If I wanted to be, I could. I mean, its not that difficult to write about the everyday goings on of me and my son. But I don’t. Because I choose not to. Because I want to write what I want to write. And that should be enough for me.
Friendships. I usually feel as if I give and give and give and yet receive little to nothing back. Friendships aren’t about that, I know, but it would be fucking fantastic to feel appreciated for who I am and what I do. The thing is, I see my friends doing things for others, checking on them, and rarely do they do that for me. I see them reacting to other people’s problems, other people’s little ramblings, and yet when I need someone, when I need a reaction so as not to feel alone, its lacking. This isn’t across the board, in no way. And because of that, maybe I’m stretching in believing that some people are my friends. There are friends that reach out to me, that respond to me and there are no words to describe how that makes me feel.
Let’s talk about relationships. In all the relationships I’ve had, I’ve always felt second best. Always second best to something. It can be a number of things, it can even be people. It’s like I’m asking for far too much to feel as if I mean something to someone. To really know and not just sit wondering if it’s true or not. To not second guess every action that I make. To not second guess every action that they make. To just know that I’m worth fighting for, that I’m worth a reaction.
As much as I want to sit on my high horse, acting as if I don’t need validation, its not true. I don’t base my life around it or all of my self worth. But there are always low times in my day or week where I would like validation, without having to come right out and ask for it.
(Um this isn’t my way of asking for it. Truly. I’m a blogger, I’m narcissistic on some levels, we all are. But really, I’m not looking for placation here. Just any honesty or relation you may or may not have. I know I can count on you guys for that.)