Posted by: justmiss | September 29, 2008

Stalled

Blocked. Dry. Without thought or creativity. Just plain useless.

Right about now, I have nothing to write about. No wait, that’s a lie. I do have things to write about, I just have nothing in me to put those things into thoughts. And words. And paragraphs. Which would equal out to posts.

My head is very much all over the place this last week or so. I go from amazingly high, nothing can touch me, to desperately low. I feel incredible self loathing, and then literally a moment later, smiling and shaking my head at how silly I was acting.

I range from thinking I can DO something, anything to fix whatever is broken, to knowing that there is nothing I can do and feeling acceptance of that fact.

Time to move on.

Time to stand still.

Time to desperately cling to whatever I have available to hold on to.

Time to give it all up.

Time to let go.

But its just not that easy for me. I don’t quit. I don’t quit, but I can slowly lose control over situations and move past them. Let the cards lay wherever they were thrown and walk away from whatever mess I have created.

Thursday was a bad day. Throughout the day I was holding my breath, sitting on my hands, trying not to lose myself. There were moments when I was given calmness and for that I am thankful. But being told by a good friend that there is no way he would ever take advantage of the person I am, had we been together, was profound. Of course I know you feel that way. You’ve told me more than once. And know what? You are a good person, a great catch. However, your ex is totally bat shit crazy and I would never, ever think to get involved with you in any way. Saying that HE’S the fool for not knowing what a good thing he had. I know that, duh. I’ve been told that time and time again. Then explain to me WHY I am so anxious to see him. Tell me WHY I let myself feel so damn useless because he refused to see me.

Moving past all that, going through all the motions, having a good night where I am not thinking of him in the slightest. My mind is in other places, better places, happier places. Then all it takes is one phone call. Crash and fucking burn. “I miss you. I miss talking to you. I want to see you, be with you. But let me get your hopes up again. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe next time. We’ll see. I do love you.” It would be fucking hilarious.

Thing is, I don’t want to go back there. I don’t want all the pain, all the expectation. I want easy. I don’t want work. I want to be one of two people who just genuinely enjoy each other. And I want that to be enough for both of us. With him, it never will be. Expectations are set too high. Assumptions are clouding perfect vision. He just has no clue how to let it be.

Hopeless.

Fuckitall. I need some direction. I need a light at the end of this endless fucking tunnel.

Gawd, I’m fucking tired. Guess I did have something to say after all.

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Responses

  1. It’s so difficult to feel washed out like this. The only consolation I can offer is that with time it gets better. Unfortunately though, not tomorrow. Hang on in there sweets.
    x

  2. I’ve been there, I’ve done that, and I definitely have the shredded tatters of a million T-Shirts to show for it.

    It gets better, and easier. Trust me on this. I’ve been Bi-Polar my entire life so I’m proof that people can learn how to deal with the kinds of mood swings you’re talking about.

  3. Oh sweetie… I’m sorry. I wish he would just leave you alone. It’s hard when you get that phone call/email/text that gives you some glimmer of hope. And then it all comes falling down again. I’m sorry.
    I lub you!

  4. “I want to be one of two people who just genuinely enjoy each other. ” Sounds like that’s the destination…how you get there, though, like you said, is tough. Hang in there!

  5. You’ll get past this, I promise. Remember, love sometimes just isn’t enough. Hold out for everything you deserve, and you deserve it all.

  6. To be completely cliche and hippy sounding, maybe it needs to occur to you and stick in your brain that YOU are the light at the end of the tunnel, hun.

    Cuz you know, you blind me, sometimes.

  7. I’m so sorry. I know this emotional tug-of-war too well. It is so hard to see any glimmer of hope right now, but I promise, with time, it will get better. *hugs*

  8. Whoa….one line you wrote there just smacked me in the face like a ton of bricks. You are so effin smart, Miss.

    I agree with ZJ though…I’m in the process myself of me being the light at the end of the tunnel and it’s really hard sometimes, but at the end of the day it feels really good.

  9. What stood out for me is when you noted the you don’t quit. I had this exact moment last week (remember). The fact is that you didn’t quit … HE DID! He quit and doesn’t even realize he did. What you are doing is realizing that he did. You are simply at a stage where you are accepting that he quit and it is time for you to move on. Now, this is all easy for me to write AFTER my therapist helped me understand it! You deserve so much more. You deserve unconditional love, focused attention, positive support and to be treated like your presence not only matters but is important. You deserve to have someone that makes your life better and you make their life better. Not just you making their life better and yours is stalled because of it. I know you deserve these things because so do I, so does every woman.

  10. You know I can’t write profound comments and shit, right? So just, yeah, I’m listening and keep your head up!

  11. OMG *HUGS*
    Even though I’ve not really met you, I’m VDog’s sister, so we’re already close by association, right?

    You totally deserve someone who will be completely there for you, someone with whom you easily just enjoy each other. It will come!

    I heard once, “time is the best thing and the worst thing: the best cuz it always works, and the worst cuz it takes so long”

    Hang in there! Dozens of interwebbers are rooting for you! 😀


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