Posted by: justmiss | August 30, 2008

A Choice

Being with someone should compliment your life, not complicate it.

They say where there’s a will, there’s a way.

When I love, I love all the way. I love with all of me. I give more than I have to give and I try harder than I have to try. Maybe this is my downfall. I don’t know if I will ever figure that out.

My marriage was a sham. It was a joke. There was no love between us, only anger, regret, and extreme hostility towards each other. I always felt like he was holding me back from really living, from making my own choices. I resented him, deeply. I learned to hate who he was, what he represented, and who I became because of him.

About 4 years ago, I made a conscience effort to settle for the life I had. I remember that I would give myself peptalks and tell myself that I didn’t need him to be happy, that I could be perfectly happy without having a functioning marriage. That I could function, day by day, fight after fight, and just not let it get to me. I had my son, I had my home, I had my job and that was all I needed. Being a part of that marriage was just something that I had to put up with, like an annoying gnat, buzzing in my ear. But I could always brush it away by focusing on the things that I forced myself to use to make myself happy.

Sure, I had to play the part at times. Be the loving wife. Be the gracious host. Be everything that a happy, healthy marriage was. Sometimes that was the easy part. Sometimes I waged an internal battle with myself, internally slapping myself for being so pathetic. Didn’t I want better for myself? What the hell was wrong with me that I couldn’t see that I could do better? But I would quickly silence that part of me because I believed that leaving was impossible. I truely believed that I had no choice but to be a part of this life because leaving was wrong.

I believed that if I left, I would be letting down my family. That I would be completely responsible for destroying my family. Couldn’t I just suck it up and make it through? I chose this life, didn’t I?

Heh.

When I made the decision to leave, I had help. I wont ever deny that. Without someone else whispering in my ear that I was worthy of a better life, that I was good enough, I don’t think I would have ever been able to do it.

Leaving your marriage, or your relationship, is a choice. It’s a big fucking choice. Probably the hardest I have ever had to make in my life up till now. I compared the pros and cons in the year leading up to it. There was even a point where I tried to calculate how many more years my ex would LIVE, so I could get a good sense of how much more time I had before I would be free.

Some of the cons: I would be taking my son away from both his parents. I would be breaking our family, our way of life. I wouldn’t even know where to begin starting my life over.

Some of the pros: I would be free to make choices. I would be free to be myself and be with the people I wanted to be with, not the people he wanted me to be with. NO MORE FIGHTING. No more rules, routines that I didn’t agree with, no more judgment for enjoying the things I enjoyed.

You can say that I had all the proper motivation to leave, no real reason to stay because of the abuse. You are right, but also wrong. Mental and physical abuse is the easiest reason to leave. But what about the fact that you are not in love? What about the fact that you are grown and feel like you have no choice in making your own decisions? What about the fact that you are unhappy?

I truly believe that love is NOT an obligation. Love is a gift. Marriage is an extension of that gift. Born between two people who are compatible, who work WITH each other, not one for the other.

I see so many people, who are unhappy, you are not in love, but who don’t see a better choice for themselves. It’s painful for me to know that I have been in a marriage like that. It’s painful for me to sit silently and watch people I love suffer because they want better, but feel like they cant have it. Which is why I cant sit silently. Maybe, maybe someone, somewhere can read this and use this to ignite a fire of need, or wanting. Wanting for something better, for a happiness.

I want to love without giving more than I have to give. I want to love without trying more than anyone should ever have to try.

I want to be with someone who compliments my life and does not complicate it.

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Responses

  1. Amazing. You just filled in so many blanks while also opening the floor for so much more. This post made even me think of love as a good thing, not a burden that inevitabley will scald.

    Hopefully it will be heard with other ears that can truly listen.

    I love you, in a completely uncomplicated way.

  2. If you look at it, life should be simple. Walk away from pain, walk toward pleasure. I think we all make it more complicated than it really is. Oh, to be a snail or a crab or a bug. They get it.

  3. BusyDad is a nut. LOL But he’s right.
    My kids know who you are by that photo. ‘It’s MISSSSSSSSSSSS!’ *lol*

    It was the sticks. They played with your stick for like two weeks after I got home. πŸ™‚

  4. You get it, you totally get it.

    Can I tell you how proud I am of you? It takes tremendous strength to realize this and actually DO something about it.

    BD is right. Life should be more simple. It’s tough enough as it is without someone else’s drama.

  5. “There was no love between us, only anger, regret, and extreme hostility towards each other.”

    And, now . . . onto your happiness.

    You deserve it . . .

  6. I like BD’s words.

    Be happy, Miss!

  7. Proud of you. It takes some people way to long to realize this.

    πŸ˜‰ I am happy for you.

  8. I’m with BusyDad.
    And I agree with you completely, life should be a simple, pleasant walk with someone who complements you and compliments you πŸ™‚

    There will always be obstacles and hurdles but you should always work to lift each other up and make each other better, not hold each other down or back.

    Congratulations for having the strength to walk away and the desire for better for yourself.

    Blessings and happiness for your *new* life.

  9. Did you write this for me? I am crying because I feel like you saw straight into my heart and wrote what I have been trying to for a couple of days now. I really needed this and like a wonderful friend without really knowing it you provided me direction, support and comfort I needed. *HUG* Thank you from the depths of my heart.

  10. Oh, Miss, I’ll just say simply here that this touched me and struck home and also that you absolutely deserve to be happy.

  11. I know where you’re coming from, and maybe, just maybe, even though things didnt eventually work out between you and that whisper that told you that you were good enough, maybe just getting you out of where you were and making you a better person was his entire purpose in your life. Because who knows what damage would have progressed had you stayed in your marriage. Who knows if you would have been hurt badly or even killed, or driven to kill yourself.

    David was my whisper that made me leave, and you know what else was though? Being stabbed in the leg with a butterfly knife. That will make a person run…or hobble anyway.

    You’ll be ok kid.

  12. I need to read you through my reader cuz when I click over, I get too distracted by your hotness in that photo.

  13. It seems like things are really making sense to you now…

    Which is AWESOME.

  14. I’m so glad you’re on your way to happiness. You’ll be a better mom for your son.

  15. How lame is it if I say “Yeah! What they said!”

  16. If you only knew how close to home this hits. This is my favorite post from you ever.

    I wish I had that courage.

    The part is so much easier to play sometimes..

  17. *hugs* You are right. It’s a choice. It’s all a choice.


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