Tell me you did not just hear Ross in your head.

Ever hear that phrase “sick and tired of being sick and tired”? That is so me right about now. I’m so tired. I am worn down emotionally. It’s a culmination of things that have been building up inside of me and I just need to slow down. Steps need to be taken backwards and things are in the process of being re-evaluated. Hopefully they are for good, not bad, and I hold tight the hope that I won’t end up losing something uniquely important to me when all is said and done.

Whenever things in my real life feel like they are crashing or sliding, all my inspiration goes with it. I know that if I open this blog up and start spilling words onto these pages, I’ll end up saying something I really shouldn’t. I don’t have much of a problem being a bitch, I really don’t. But I refuse to make insinuations and assumptions that could hurt someone that I love so it’s best that I take steps back.

But, never fear. I’ve called in some favors and I have some really excellent guest posters coming up. I know everyone says that, and then their stats drop, and no one visits because guest posters are like STUPID, but not here. I wouldn’t post crap on my blog, unless its my own crap. And you read THAT.

I’ll stick my head in occasionally and make sure these guest posters aren’t tearing up the place. They be some crazy ass bitches.

If you’d be interested in guest posting, just let me know. I mean you read here, you can’t suck all that much.

I’ll be back once every day doesn’t feel like a mind fuck. Plus you know, you can see me curse on twitter if you’re into that sort of thing.

*shrug*

People forget. They forget your name. They forget where you came from. They can’t remember how you met. They don’t remember your mom’s name, or that your favorite color used to be purple before it was green.

People forget. They walk away for a little while and they forget who you are. They forget that one time, when you went to the beach together, and you stood in the waves holding hands and laughing. They cant remember that day you rushed to a store before it closed because they really needed something from there, but couldn’t get there. They forget making plans that you looked forward to with your whole heart, that you believed because you wanted it to be true, when to them, it was just a daydream.

People forget. They forget what you meant to them. They forget that you used to spend hours laying in bed, talking about your life, giving them pieces of your past. They forget what happens when you reveal your weaknesses, how exposing your soft underbelly was a risk. A risk you were so sure you were willing to take for them. People forget the sacrifices you made, the things you put to the side, the ledges you stood on, just for them.

People forget. They forget how they laid their head in your lap and just cried, all the while you were rubbing their head and gently talking them through their tears. They forget how they held you while you sobbed in their arms, how just by holding you, they held your world together.

People forget. Is it because they are selfish? Is it because they believe they aren’t the same? Or is it because you weren’t worth remembering? Maybe it’s you that isn’t worth a second thought. Maybe people forget you because you just blend into a blur of memories that mean nothing. Maybe you haven’t been memorable.

People forget. But maybe it’s just better this way.

Yea she is beautiful
But she didn’t mean a thing to me…

Story of my life.

Since it is my birthday on Thursday, I’m assaulting you with a bullet list. Because I can. If you don’t like it, get the fuck on.

Last year, my birthday? Yea, it kinda sucked. I’m not trying to insult anyone I may have recently gotten out of a relationship with but that guy? Never bought me a present. He bought me things if we happened to be in the store together and I was going to buy it for myself anyways. But the “hey baby! Look what I bought you, all on my own, with no prompting or hint dropping from you!” stuff? Never happened. He bought me flowers once. In 3 years. He TRIED.

/sarcasm

And the ex? He bought me cop out presents. Don’t you know what cop out presents are? When you know someone likes something because well, they are super obvious, and you buy them whatever goes with that. Like my ex would buy me random DVDs because he knew I liked movies. But never things I might actually WANT to see. Or shoes. He would buy me UGLY ass shoes. Or perfume. That he would like. That I would hate. Cop out presents are, at times, necessary but not for people you are in a relationship or close friends with.

I am, or I try to be, cash permitting, a thoughtful gift giver. I’m going after something I think you will really enjoy with a little flair you know? Once I gave someone the gift of his video game subscription, a game, 3 seasons of our favorite TV show, and clothes I know he needed. Not only are we talking cash dropping, but they were all things that made him feel good. Or I go with original, you cant just buy this at any department store type stuff. Such as making things that might mean something to you, or having them made because it represents something you enjoy. I’m a planner. I plan birthdays like they are huge events for people I care about.

Because I think that’s how it should be. Especially as we get older. When we are young, birthdays are a big deal but as you get older… people forget easier. Or it’s less of a big deal to them. I’m just from the school of thought that if you care for someone, you should do something, anything, to make them feel a little more special on their birthday.

So without further ado, here are some things that can be done for me to make me feel like you love me long time. I’m practically giving myself away here people.

• A surprise. In any way, shape, or form. I’ll take any form. Something I would never expect you to do.
• Call me. I LOVE birthday calls. The lovely Redlotusmama and the Princess called the Kid on his birthday and left a delightful message. I still listen to it and it cheers me up. Sing me happy birthday or tell me how much you love me and that you hope I have a wonderful day. That would kick ass so damn much.
• A nudie-gram (oh! taken care of)
• A hoodie with a beer holding pouch sewn into it. Because who DOESN’T need one of these?
  
• Concert tickets. Rascal Flatts, Vanessa Carlton, No Doubt, Deathcab for Cutie, All American Rejects… I could keep going.

• Renew anything I pay for, such as Picnik or Flickr (oh she’s getting that for me), or like buy me a domain or something else equally techy and nerdy.
• Blog design. Works along those lines of techy and nerdy stuff.
• iTunes gift cards – combining music and lappy = LOVE.
• Anything related to photography. She is getting me a new camera bag for my shiny new camera so that totally rocks. Snapfish prints, photog subscriptions, crap like that gives me a boner.
• I like chocolate. Especially dark chocolate.

• Show me you made an effort. If you couldn’t really do something, but you show intent, that means the world to me. If you say you’re going to try, please do.
• Shoutouts. Holy crap I love birthday shoutouts. I will lick you. If you’re into that kinda thing.
• Buy me coffee/lunch/dinner/cupcakes whatever. Food is one of the quickest ways to my heart. My cousin asked me what I was doing for my birthday and after he saw my shrug, he said “well we are going to dinner then”. And that’s another reason I love him.
• Alcohol. Buy me a beer and I’ll be a happy girl.
• I like balloons too. They are so pretty.

I don’t want you all to think that I’m all demandy and stuff. But it IS my birthday. I’m going to act spoiled because I can. And I’m pretty much a bitch like that.And I”m realistic and know that 90% of this stuff will never happen. It’s cool, thats why they are WISHES, ASSHOLE.

And it does kinda suck when people ask you “so what are you doing for your birthday?” and you get this blank stare on your face and start mumbling and basically say “uh, well, nothing”. (It’s happened about 3 times in the last 4 days) But I don’t really have to say that anymore! On Wednesday night, my Work BFF Flo is taking me to see Gino Matteo & The Family Phunk which is a cool bluesy jazz band at a hip wine bar. (I don’t know how hip it is, I’m bullshitting) Plus she’s trying to hook up with the drummer so I’m all about watching my friend hook up the night before MY birthday. *ahem* Then after work on Thursday, I’m heading to Disneyland with my parents (I rock HARD like that) to get my birthday gift card thingamabobber and then dinner with my cousin. Anyone who wants to join any of those nights is more than welcome!

So 27. Might not suck as hard as 26. Even though, I am all about sucking hard. Or is that rocking hard? Maybe both?

Guess I’ll find out.

Dear Rura,

I’m sure that once I publish this, I’ll be virtually slapped by a few people that love me. They will be shaking their heads and wishing they could shake me for even writing this. They will scream in their heads, “You need to let him go! You are far past the point of moving on!!”.

But I can’t.

It’s not that easy.

For some fucked up reason that I am having trouble justifying to myself, I’d like to have you in my life. I can’t be your girlfriend. I don’t think that you fully understand what comes with having a relationship, at least a balanced one. I refuse to put myself in a position to allow you to hurt me again. I’ve got enough in my life that could potentially crush me, I don’t need to add you to that.

I would like to actually be friends. Without benefits if you will.

I’m having an all out internal war here. My brain is begging to know why. My heart is telling my brain to STFU. The only explanation I have for myself is this:

We shared something really great. We were really happy a long time ago. Parts of that happiness lurk in the dark corners of my memory and I am straining to remember them. I remember laughter. I remember smiling. It was there, and it came very easily. We just fucked it all up with the expectations, and the failure to be what we promised ourselves we were always going to be be: HONEST. We stopped being true with one another. You hid your feelings of suffocation with bitterness and blame. I hid my feelings of disappointment. But all of that lying was too much for both of us. We reached a point where there was literally, no return from.

Letting you go was the hardest thing I have ever chosen to do. Facing the fact that things felt unrepairable literally broke a part of me. Apparently that part of me is still broken if I am sitting hear with tears streaming down my face. Not for wanting you back. No. For just the pure sorrow of losing what I thought was such real love. Something that was apparently, bigger than both of us because we didn’t know how to adapt to it.

Every true relationship I’ve ever had, has had a soundtrack. Ours did. And coming across that CD I had made for us, in a stack of CDs I haven’t touched in a year, I threw it in the CD player and scrolled through the tracks. And I smiled. And the memories didn’t hurt. What bothered me was that at one point in time, we did enjoy our soundtrack. And that is gone.

That is why I took a picture of that CD and sent it to you. You didn’t respond. I’m always curious what compells you not to respond. So (like an idiot, as I’m sure some will agree) I sent you another message. I asked if you’d like to try and be friends, or both of us just stay bitter?

You’re initial response was to stay bitter.

Then you changed your mind, but made sure to clerify that we would just be friends. Like you thought I want more? I asked but you’ve still yet to respond.

I don’t know if this is going to work , us being friends. In my head, I imagine that it can. I just don’t know if you will let it. Because sometimes you really make me feel like I am a joke to you.

Sigh.

I’m not resting my hopes on you. I’m not holding my breath with the yearning for you to be my friend. I’m just extending my hand, hopeful that maybe we can find some of that good feeling again, without all the other stuff that complicated it so badly.

Always,
Miss

I’m 26. My birthday is less than 25 days away. (Hint dropping? Me? Noooo) During my 26 years on this lovely planet, I’ve learned a lot. One most important thing?

Responsibility.

Specifically, for my actions.

If you didn’t know this already, I was in an abusive marriage. (We are touching on abuse soon, aren’t you glad?) I’ve been out of it for a little over 2 years. For the last year of that marriage, I was having an affair. [insert judgment I don't care about here].

I don’t regret it. He helped me get out of a marriage I did not want to be in. He gave me the confidence I never thought I would have again, to see that I was a good person again.

We didn’t work out, but we had purpose. In the end, to me, that’s all that matters.

There’s a point here… I know it’s somewhere.

Look, we all make choices in life. Sometimes, when making these choices, we consider what it’s going to mean to the people around us. Sometimes, we don’t. Sometimes we act on an incredibly selfish way and do only what we want to do for US.

And that is ok. If you spend your whole life worrying about what other people think, or about what some people think is right or wrong, you’ll never find your own happiness. I chose to have an affair. I owned that decision. I experienced great love as a result of being selfish.

Again, with the point…

Here it is! I did what I did. I did it knowing that there were consequences. And I was 100% prepared to deal with them.

THERE’S THE POINT.

I made a choice. I knew that, no matter the outcome, I would have to face what I did had I needed to.

I wouldn’t have lied. I wouldn’t have blamed someone else for the mess I had made for myself. Most importantly, I would not have made myself the victim. I would not have seeked sympathy, especially not in the capacity where if, the situation were reversed, those who held my hand would then be ignored by me.

oh tangent. Sorry.

Point. Back to it.

Ownership. It’s pretty much the word of the day.

Own your fucking choices.
Own your fuck ups.
Own your reality which means you have to face it first.
Own yourself.

And stop taking the easy way out. Maybe not settling for something that makes you unhappy, even if the other side is scary, is what you need to do.

Oh also? If you make your fucking bed, be prepared to fucking lay in it.

I’ll break the sky for you and I, kiss goodbye a dozen times…

I’m very much all over the place lately.

I’m not talking about IRL. It’s very weird, but off the computer, I feel pretty normal. Which, usually, the opposite is happening which causes me to write. No, I feel all over the place when it comes to being online. It’s hard to explain. I know it’s effecting my writing here so I thought, why not write about it.

I’ve been having a mental argument with myself over what I want this blog to be, and who I want to be online. Do I want the perks of being a “well known blogger”, known for my personality which shines through my posts, like rays of light? Do I want to be someone that other bloggers name drop in conversation, such as “omg I only WISH I could write like so and so”, when so and so is kinda a sub-par writer at best? Do I want to be one of those flashes in the pan because I met up with the right person at the right time, or I was chosen to be someones flavor of the day? (Please, you KNOW you’ve seen it. Don’t lie.)

Sure, sometimes I wish that someone noticed that I haven’t written an actual post in awhile. Of course I would have liked someone to notice that I was writing every day in January, swearing to myself that I was going to do Blog365, but just not announce it because that would have surely jinxed me.

Then I remind myself that this is the fucking internet.

People come and people go. You try your best to figure out who are the good guys and who are the really shitty bad guys. I know I analyze a lot when it comes to people and sometimes, I only have their words to do that with. If your story is all over the place, and I cant make a mental time line that piece together your stories, I’m sorry if its hard for me to trust you. If someone reaches out to you and you completely ignore them and yet act so god damn kiss assy, then I’m sorry, I think I’m not going to like you so much.

And then the protector in me wants to reach out to the people I love and tell them to watch out. Be careful! Protect your heart! My radar is going off and maybe because you all are infatuated and I’m not, I’m missing something.

It’s this sort of thing that has made me weary as of late to this whole area of my life. I’m not going awol or anything like that, I just told you, strange place. I feel like grabbing hold of the people dearest to me and just proverbially cuddling with them and ignoring all the other stuff. I mean, what’s the point otherwise? I’m just going  to continue getting annoyed at the ass kissery and the synthetic gushing that I see happening all over the place these days.

I’m thanking the stars above that my previously mentioned dears have not bought in to all this bullshit. If I had to see that from them, I might jump off the imaginary cliff that I’m sitting on the edge of here.

It’s about our words. It’s not about who we know. It’s not about who has the best swag, or who networks with the most people, least not to me. (although I do love me some swag from conferences I didn’t even attend. bzzzz) It’s not about somehow getting the connects and then flaunting them in people’s faces.

For me, it’s about being able to say that I have real relationships with 4 people who are as big a part of my every day life as the air I breathe.

Maybe that’s the difference? Maybe that’s what sets me apart from everything else? Because I feel so strongly about these relationships? That it’s not just a few emails being exchanged filled with one liners or words tossed back and forth in 140 chars or less?

I realize how incredibly selfish I’m sure I sound right now. But is it even crazier that I just don’t give a fuck right now? I know, for a fact, that there are people out there that get me. Outside of those 4 people. The ones that get me are the ones who DO react when I randomly tweet that I’m having a shit day or something just isn’t right. It’s likely that the fantastic 4 already know what I’m bitching about but those people who @ me or DM or email can turn my mood around in a quick way. So I hope that if you are reading this, you know which category you fall in here.

Thing is, there are so many people that I have minimal contact with because they just aren’t as obsessively “social” as I am, that I would adore to get to know better. So there’s that too.

I told you, all over the place.

Guess I just want to get real with all this. Fear won’t hold me back. Because really, it’s just the fucking internet.

As I drove to work today and witnessed a beautiful sunrise, I felt hopeful.

As I set up my laptop and surfed to find the best streaming video feed, I felt hopeful.

As I settled in my chair with my latte and bagel, I felt hopeful.

As I sat with one of my best friends, the friend who also watched Obama get elected with me, I felt hopeful.

As I watched our 44th President, Barack H. Obama, get sworn into office, I felt hopeful.

As I watched him address our nation…

Today I say to you that the challenges we face are real. They are serious and they are many. They will not be met easily or in a short span of time. But know this, America — they will be met.

On this day, we gather because we have chosen hope over fear, unity of purpose over conflict and discord.

On this day, we come to proclaim an end to the petty grievances and false promises, the recriminations and worn out dogmas, that for far too long have strangled our politics.

For everywhere we look, there is work to be done. The state of the economy calls for action, bold and swift, and we will act — not only to create new jobs, but to lay a new foundation for growth. We will build the roads and bridges, the electric grids and digital lines that feed our commerce and bind us together. We will restore science to its rightful place, and wield technology’s wonders to raise health care’s quality and lower its cost. We will harness the sun and the winds and the soil to fuel our cars and run our factories. And we will transform our schools and colleges and universities to meet the demands of a new age. All this we can do. All this we will do.

Now, there are some who question the scale of our ambitions — who suggest that our system cannot tolerate too many big plans. Their memories are short. For they have forgotten what this country has already done; what free men and women can achieve when imagination is joined to common purpose, and necessity to courage.

What the cynics fail to understand is that the ground has shifted beneath them — that the stale political arguments that have consumed us for so long no longer apply. The question we ask today is not whether our government is too big or too small, but whether it works — whether it helps families find jobs at a decent wage, care they can afford, a retirement that is dignified. Where the answer is yes, we intend to move forward. Where the answer is no, programs will end. Those of us who manage the public’s dollars will be held to account — to spend wisely, reform bad habits, and do our business in the light of day — because only then can we restore the vital trust between a people and their government.

Recall that earlier generations faced down fascism and communism not just with missiles and tanks, but with sturdy alliances and enduring convictions. They understood that our power alone cannot protect us, nor does it entitle us to do as we please. Instead, they knew that our power grows through its prudent use; our security emanates from the justness of our cause, the force of our example, the tempering qualities of humility and restraint.

America, in the face of our common dangers, in this winter of our hardship, let us remember these timeless words. With hope and virtue, let us brave once more the icy currents, and endure what storms may come. Let it be said by our children’s children that when we were tested we refused to let this journey end, that we did not turn back nor did we falter; and with eyes fixed on the horizon and God’s grace upon us, we carried forth that great gift of freedom and delivered it safely to future generations.

… I felt my heart swell with pride. As I wiped tears from my eyes, and swallowed the lump in my throat, I couldn’t help but smile. I couldn’t help but again feel extreme pride in the people of this country for electing a man such as Barack Obama to lead our country for the next 4 years.

Listening to the way he addressed our country had a calming effect on me. I’ll never forget this mornings events. I”m sure many of you won’t either.

Here goes. Time for some change.

You can go here for a full transcript of that wonderful speech.

I just finished an excellent book, recommended by my excellent friend ZoeyJane called lullabies for little criminals by Heather O’Neill. I’m not going to do an official “review” because, well, the book is just so damn good that any words I use to describe it would not do it justice.

So I thought I’d share my favorite part of the book:

Xavier wasn’t put on earth to witness the bad things like Jules and I were. He had been put here to notice lovely things, things that God had created and no one had any complaints about. Leaves turning red in autumn. How when the tide goes out, the shells are left on the shore. I was put here – Jules and I were both put here – to see sadder things. We had to stand in the rain and explain why the world was a lovely place.

O’Neill writes with a raw intensity that I haven’t read very often.

Sometimes, I really think about the lives that we lead, about what we are destined to do, intended to be, expected to touch or to change. Do you think that we are all here for some kind of cosmic purpose, completely out of our hands because, in reality, we are dealing with something that is bigger than all of us?

Now, I’m not talking about God. No. I’m talking about cosmic force. Karma. Fate. The Universes intention for the direction that we take.

I am a very FIRM believer in “everything happens for a reason”. I KNOW this to be true. There are moments in my life where I can literally pinpoint a moment, a decision, that completely changed the course of my life. Then I review the entire butterfly effect that has brought me to the place I am now.

Small example: Saying yes when my ex clumsily asked me to go out with him brought me my son.

Can you see the residual benefits of what happened after that?

I suppose what I’m trying to say is that because I believe everything happens for a reason, I’m learning to take all things in stride. Focus on the good, laugh off the insignificant things, and gain a little perspective on the grand scheme of things. Ultimately, in a month, in 6 months, in a year, 10 years… I’ll look back on this time and try to connect the pieces that make up the completed puzzle that is right then and there.

I’m hoping it will be beautiful.

Thank Gawd.

I would like this year to mean something new. The proverbial slate is clean and I would love nothing more than to make drastic changes to improve my life but that hasn’t been my style for at least two years.

After the little mishap of whore calling back in November, I pretty much figured that a certain chapter of my life was closed. I honestly did not struggle at that particular moment in time with being angry and over it right then and there. Having easily accessible distractions help.

Guess who decided to make a little comeback on Monday night/Tuesday Morning? With the little suggestion not to write about it on my blog. Yea. Well, that’s what I DO. I didn’t get called a whore this time (phew), in fact quite the opposite. Which, honestly, I’m not really down for. I wasn’t and I told him that. I explained how much it hurt the first time, and how hard it was to get over. I explained how I felt the second time too. I told him that he would have to get his shit completely together if he thought we had a chance. He did say he knew that, but come to think of it, never actually said that he would. We did kinda agree to see each other today and that phone calls would be made from him to confirm that.

Needless to say, the calls never came. I bluffed and sent a text saying that I wasn’t expecting it but of course I was. After spending 3 of the past New Year’s with him, and being alone this year, I struggled. I went to the movies alone. I cried. I smoked and tried to call him. My phone never connected which I choose to believe was the Universe helping me out a bit. I cried some more. I talked and giggled with my friend. I fell asleep smiling thanks to another.

Then it hit me again today. I was angry. I was sad. I DID call. A few times. The calls were ignored. 6 text messages were read and ignored. Then. I took a deep breath, wiped my eyes, washed my face and made a decision.

No more of this. I can’t do it. If he feels that I am special to him and he tells me so, he would have answered my calls. He would have sent me a message. And I get that now. I got it before but it’s not easy being strong all of the time. My last message to him was to do me a favor and forget that he ever knew me.

Because I don’t need him. Sure, I have love for him. But I don’t have respect for who he is. Why should I respect someone who has zero respect for me?

One thing I learned last year, and will apply time and time again in 2009, is that I deserve better. I deserve the best. And even if I can’t directly have the best, I’m getting it in small and certain doses. And that’s ok for now. It might be better at this exact time. Only time will tell.

And who knows what this year will bring? I certainly wasn’t expecting what I got in 2008. That goes for the bad, and for the really, really good.

Until then… I guess I’ll keep kissing frogs, until one of these times, he turns into a Prince.

Most days, I cant help but think about the things I have lost.

I won’t lie. I’ve loved. The first time Love really broke my heart, it took almost 5 years for me to stop thinking about him every single day. By the time he slipped from my mind, my son was almost 4 years old. Having someone invade your thoughts for 5 years is consuming. Then again,  I feel now that I was young and foolish about him. I can’t tell now how much he loved me back and that’s ok.

The most recent time that Love hurt me was with Rura. I loved him. Fiercely. What I felt was the type of love the courses through your veins, makes you feel like you are turning inside out. Where it’s so good that your throat catches and you struggle to take a deep breath. Everything between us was accelerated. We fell, we peaked, and we crashed. 3 years. One going up, one leveling out, and the last falling out. In that last year, as he changed, I changed. I thought I wanted what he had, who he was. I was willing to struggle just to reach happiness with him. I was willing to do that, but he wasn’t ready for any of that. We really saved each other at different points in each others lives. Maybe that was our purpose for being together. Maybe I’ll find more reason for what we had at a later time. And maybe one day soon, I’ll stop missing him.

I miss him for different reason’s every day. I don’t miss who he became at the end. I miss the memory of who he was when I fell for him. Strong. Confident without being cocky. Mature. Content. And a companion.

I miss that in my life. I don’t have a huge problem with being alone. I can watch whatever I want. Eat whatever I want. Play whatever music I want.

But is it so horrible to want someone by my side? To talk to. Laugh with. Listen to music with. Smile because of. Lay in their arms in the middle of the afternoon, just because we have something to say to each other. Try new foods with. Travel with. Be ME with.

Be me with. Is that really asking a lot? I want to be understood. And if I am confusing, I want someone to want to know me bad enough to ask me to explain who I am. I want to talk and be heard, not just as a low frequency, but as if anything I say is the most interesting thing right then. To have someone to go home to, sit with, have dinner, talk about our days, and go through all the motions and have them be comforting and familiar and get us to the end of the night where we sleep quietly next to each other. Above all else, I want it to be simple. If I’ve learned anything in the last 6 months, it is that I want simplicity.

But that’s a pipe dream. Is anything that you earn or deserve ever really simple? Every time I’ve ever felt happiness, I’ve had to suffer through pain to get there. Is that the natural course of action? I don’t really know. I’ve seen people who haven’t really suffered, at least not in the ways I have, that have everything. Why has it come so easily to them? What have they done to really deserve this? Truth be told, they haven’t done anything, they dont deserve it, and 9 out of 10 times, they don’t appreciate what they have. But I suppose that’s life. What can be done? And really, how do I even know what they’ve seen. Maybe they have hurt to get to where they are.

I suppose when I find that person, I’ll know. It will be beautiful. I just hope that what I am feeling now is my pain that will bring me to him. Because if there is more pain coming, well, he better be worth it. Then again, I think I’ll know for sure if he is or not. And if I’m wrong, at least I’ll know that I loved with all I had.

At least I can say,
I was not afraid.
I loved you all the way.
I’d pick the fool any day.