I miss the sound of your voice
and I miss the rush of your skin

Two things out of thousands of different thoughts that dance across my mind at any give time. Your smile. The times I would glance over and catch you staring at me. Most times its a flash of a memory, sometimes I dream about you. Either way, you’re there, in my heart.

I miss the still of the silence
as you breathe out and I breathe in

You made all the static in my head go away. That loud buzzing noise was always much quieter when you held me. Sometimes I can think of nothing better than laying next to you, my head on your chest, the fan turning lazily above us, both of us wearing nothing but a smile. Music quietly playing, and drifting to sleep because the sound of your heart beats louder than any music that is playing.

Make you believe
Make you forget

I’m well aware of what I did. I did what I never intended to do, what I thought I could overcome. The thing is, I knew from the start that I was going to end up hurting you in some way. I thought you had taught me enough not to but I was wrong. You’ll never understand this now, but I’ve learned a lot about myself, about life, about the things that I did and the things I took for granted. Without complication, easy IS simple. We don’t have that complication. Loving each other always came easy anyways. I hope you don’t deny that too.

I ache to remember all the violent, sweet, perfect words that you said

We said some pretty mean things to each other, didn’t we? I always tried not to be petty but I’m sure I failed. I knew how to hurt you and I hate myself for doing it sometimes. No one deserves that. I know that. Is this part of the reason you won’t talk to me now? I’m trying not to make assumptions but I’m struggling to understand.

Pull me down hard, and drown me in love

I don’t mind not being able to breathe because of you. But I wish it was because you were taking my breath away, and not because of the tears.

It’s all wrong
but
It’s so right

None of this matters. What I say, what I try to do, it all means nothing. I’m impossible to love, I’ve never been worth fighting for. The one person who tries to fight for me is the one person I hate most in this world. Is this what I deserve? It must be. Because I always seem to be the one at the end of it all that loved more than they were loved.

Because everything works in your arms

It always has. I don’t know if anything will work again, now.

This one is for you my friend. One of these days soon, you’ll close your eyes and dream again. Love you.

You know I wanna ask you to dance right there, in the middle of the parking lot

There are less things in this life than the ability to be spontaneous. To up and throw away your inhibitions, to step outside your own box, break your own routines. Some are incapable of it, others abuse the ability. I’m finding myself living quite in the moment these days. To keep my mind out of the past is a habit I am beginning to form. Like an exercise routine, it takes repetition and practice to focus on the now. And it really, really helps to have someone there to help keep your mind focused on today.

I wonder if you know I’m tryin so hard not to get caught up now
But you’re so cool, run your hands through your hair
Absent-mindedly making me want you

My favorite thing to do is drop everything to get to you. Within all the ways to connect, anytime you’re there, most everything gets pushed to the side. There are so many little tiny things that usually go unnoticed, that seem to catch my eye. Your thoughtfulness, your pride, your attention to detail, and (I don’t care what you say!) the way you remember the important things. You make it hard to stay away.

In this passenger seat, you put your eyes on me
In this moment, now capture it, remember it

When something like this enters your life, you have to hold on to the details. You don’t know where its going and the best thing to do is to stop trying to predict the outcome. Just live each minute. Be in the moment. Memorize all the lines of his face, the way his skin feels, the ridges he has on his fingernails, the sound of his breathing, the way that he touches you. That way, when you are apart, you can recall all of those details and smile, and struggle to breathe because that is how you felt when you were sitting next to him.

You stood there with me in the doorway
My hands shake, I’m not usually this way
But you pull me in and I’m a little more brave,
It’s the first kiss, its flawless, really something, It’s Fearless

Once that first kiss happens, you have to stop and recall every single second. The way he snuggled up to you while you were watching a movie. The way he got very comfortable in the ridge of your neck. The sound of his sigh, like where he was was a pretty good place to be. The way you looked at him and as he was looking back at you, he tilted his face up so that his lips met yours. Remember how your stomach was doing somersaults and as his hands became tangled in your hair, the realization of the moment started to hit you. Let it be great.

Cause I dont know how it gets better than this
You take my hand and drag me headfirst, Fearless
And I dont know why but with you I’d dance
In a storm in my best dress, Fearless

If you find someone who is willing to share a part of himself with you and drag you headfirst into his life, then you are lucky. If everything feels right, if every moment, every conversation makes you feel like you are glowing, something must be going in the right direction. It’s in our blood to intertwine ourselves with someone else. Every little piece of himself he gives to you, you should hold on to it. Every single piece of yourself that you give to him, if you know that he is holding it just as tightly, then you’re one of the lucky ones.

And you are. We both are.

As you lean in to steal a kiss
I’ll never need more than this

A glance to the left, to the right, and then a tug on my hand. You pull me close to you and steal a kiss and I can feel my heart stop for just a second. Our faces both break out in smiles as we laugh just a little bit and kiss again.

This night under stars, well, I call it peace
If you say, I’ll never need more than this

We can sit for hours, time passing like minutes and laugh. Share stories. Share concerns. Trade bits and pieces of information because it just seems like the right thing to do. Then there are other times, we don’t even need words. Just to sit across from one another, smoke drifting lazily into the sky, a glance exchanged which turns into a smile. That’s all it takes and that’s all that’s needed.

You think you’ll be happy if granted one more wish
But the truth is you’ll never need more than this

Everyone is always striving to be the best, achieve the next best thing, the latest and the greatest. Sometimes it’s ok to just slow down, take some time, and appreciate the little things that make the day worth all the while. It isn’t easy to remove yourself, to halt the busy pace of your life for even a minute but it must be done. Reach for the perspective of whats important and what will be important years from now. Let me show you how to slow down. Breathe deep and relax.

Let’s make this our story, let’s live in the glory
Time, it fades away,
Precious as a song
Cause someday we’ll be gone

It’s alright to not have the answers. Sometimes, there isn’t one. When time is short, moments shared are held tight, not one minute is taken advantage of. But sometimes I wish I could slow time down because it’s true: an hour passes like a heartbeat and even though much has been said, much has been done, I feel cheated. So I’ll keep adding to the movie reel in my head for playback at a later date. Because all those memories are worth more than anything, and the fact that I have so many already and am only going to add more, makes me smile every single day.

I don’t know if this is irony, but this was one of his favorite songs.

I hear it, and well, it is exactly what happened.

Step one you say we need to talk
He walks, you say sit down it’s just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through

I talked. I talked, and talked, and talked. I saw the signs. I watched the pieces start to crack, crumbling away, little pieces falling swiftly, a few at a time. He hated for me to cry. Was it because he didn’t want to face that he was the reason for my tears? Or was it just because he didn’t want to deal with them? Because of that, I only cry when I’m alone, and only briefly. I would scream, and yell, and ache and he would just sit there, staring at me. Like he couldn’t quite figure out who I was or what I was saying, or even what I was doing sitting there right in front of him. That part came so easily to him.

Between the lines of fear and blame
You began to wonder why you came

Every time I opened my mouth, I always sat there, wondering why I even bothered.  He never heard me. If he understood, he played his understanding down. He would placate me, tell me to relax, to not get worked up, that I was over reacting. That always made me feel incredibly stupid. Like I was the child. And not vice versa.

Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence

I tried with everything I had to break down the walls that he built. But, over time, it seemed that I had helped build it, brick by brick. The masonry was so excellent. I tried chipping it away, with my time, with my body, with gifts and thoughts granted. Everything was received, but all for nothing. Every time I enabled him, it ripped me apart. I granted his innocence because I didn’t hold him accountable for making me fall in love with him.

Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you’ve told him all along
And pray to god he hears you

Every time I thought I had gotten through, I found it to be all for nothing. Every time I felt relief, that maybe finally we could move on, be us again, the sun would set and come up the next day, and every good feeling would be gone. I knew that it all meant nothing when I would go to get up in the morning, and he wouldn’t pull me back to him. I thought I had forgotten how it felt to sleep next to someone and feel so very alone.

When I wake up next to you, please pull me back when I go to get up. Please.

As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he’ll say he’s just not the same
And you’ll begin to wonder why you came

“If you saw my smile today, you would see that it’s not the same”. Yea? Well who’s fault is that? I tried. I wanted it. I needed you. And… you let me down. You left me alone. You helped me be me, helped me get my life back, and then you shit all over it. I will forever be thankful for making me look into a mirror and see myself again, but I will forever be bitter over the taste you left in my mouth. You are a coward. But I say thank you. You showed me, even if it was for a fraction of a second, that I was worth something more than what I felt I was. It was enough to make me grow up and admit to myself that I was in an unhealthy relationship. Only to turn the beautiful thing we had into something hideous.

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to safe a life

Despite all 700 of these words, I am ok. I. AM. OK. I smile. Every single day. I laugh. I blush. My heart flutters. I’m letting go of things that used to make me crazy. I’m willing to believe that it can be simple, once you get past all the complications. I want to prove to the world, to the people who doubt, who refuse to believe, that it CAN be simple.

That being with someone who is your match, your lobster even, is the easiest thing in the world.

Today was one of those days. Just one of those all around, awesome, smile stuck on your face, kinda day. Why not celebrate it with some music?

Cant you see? There’s a feeling that’s come over me.
Close my eyes. You’re the only one that leaves me completely breathless.

Ever have your breath catch in your throat? It could be from words, a look, a simple thought. Most days, I’m trying to catch my breath all day long.

No need to wonder why… sometimes a gift like this you cant deny.

Simple. Uncomplicated. Respect. Adoration. Understanding. When you really get someone, and just by such force that there is nothing you can do to stop it, something clicks. Pieces fall into place and they are the type of pieces that you want to take apart just for the fun of putting them back together again.  Every day, a new piece. I like that.

There’s a will, there’s a way.

It’s easy to work out little details if you want something bad enough. I know that. For a fact.

I guess this time there’s just no hiding, fighting… you make me restless.

Every. Single. Day. Not the bad skin crawling way, but the I just cant wait to touch you again restless.  And that is damn good restlessness.

When I was alone, you came around, when I was down.
You pulled me through, and there’s nothing that I wouldn’t do for you.

Back then, I asked for a hero. And now… you’ve made me a Princess. How is it that is what you see?

I wanted to fly, so you gave me your wings.

I wanted out. I was in a trap. And you held out both hands and pulled me out of it. Where are the right words to say thank you?

You set me free.

153
3,672
220,320

Then…

We scream and shout and try to make it last

We fight. I’m fighting for us. You are fighting for your pride. I try to drag it out, hold on tight. But you dont want me to hold on. You wish I would just let go.

Though it didn’t work out, I don’t love you any less.

I’ll always have love for you in my heart. No matter what happens. You changed my life. I’ll always be thankful for what you have given me.

Now…

My lover or friend, I won’t ever tell. Our secret’s safe, an unspoken citadel.

It’s a beautiful thing. We hold it in our hands, with a smile that no one understands. They can see it in our eyes, distracted by its beauty. Shhh… if you tell, it will get spoiled.

I sing to remind, upon my shoulder you can rest. Because I always give you my best.

You get me. The best parts of me. The happiness. The sadness. You embrace all of it without a second though. You are one of my best friends. You are truly a beautiful person and I am forever thankful for you in my world.

I promise I will not forget, and though you’re not mine, upon your shoulder I can rest, because you always give me your best.

I will never ever take the best of you for granted. It’s like a gift. I would be a selfish child if I didn’t appreciate you for everything that you are, everything that you have been, and everything you will become. Anyone who can’t see that is a fool and doesn’t deserve to breathe the same air as you. I hope you know that. I’m thankful for the best of you. Every day.

Like a promise kept…

It’s like you never left…

Like we never had to say goodbye. Walking away, walking on air after our time together, was the hardest thing I’ve had to do. It was just SO good. Things fell into place, one after another. We flowed with no bumps in the road. And then, I had to walk away first. And I really did miss you that quickly.

And though it’s been so long, I cant ever seem to forget. All it takes is a song, and I can swear I hear your steps…

Because isn’t that just us? The music always brings me back to you. The shuffle of the iPod, or the spin of the DJ and there you are. On my mind. The corners of my lips start creeping into a smile and I’m whole again. If only for a minute.

For Maria…

The cool wind hits her face as she climbs out of the cab. She reaches up and tucks a short strand of hair behind her ear. The street is empty, but her eyes scan the sidewalks for his face. He’s due home any time and the traffic on 7th street made her think she wouldn’t be able to beat him home. He never minds if she isn’t at the house when she gets there, but it makes her feel a little more powerful nevertheless.

She unlocks the door and takes the stairs two at a time. As she gets inside, she notes how cool the apartment stayed while she was out. Usually he leaves the blinds open and allows the place to get stuffy. She had enough sense to close all of them before she left. As she walks through their bedroom into the bathroom, she tugs her panties out of her purse and buries them into the hamper. It’s not like he would notice, she does all the laundry anyways. But she knows she can never be too careful.

The warm water feels good running down her back. As much as she hates to wash away the scent of her lover, she knows she has to. The only thing that comforts her is knowing that it wont be long before they are together again. Her mind wanders, thinking of the way he touches her. He’s such a graceful partner, gently guiding her, and then roughly taking her. She gets a chill remembering how his mouth felt, staying in places she never lets her husband go. Because she wont. It doesn’t belong to him anymore.

She steps out of the shower and appreciates the coolness of the air. She lingers as she dresses, her mind still back in his bed. She walks to the kitchen, intent on starting water for a cup of tea. Night is slowly falling and she has one more thing to do before he gets home. As the water comes to a boil, she pushes that button, listening to the whir of the computer start.

She sits with her tea, and opens her email. There is already a message from him, with two simple words. “Thank You”. She smiles and goes to reply. “No, thank you”.

As she clicks send, the front door opens. “Hey honey, how was your day?”

She shuts down the computer with a sigh.

He drowns in his dreams, an exquisit extreme I know…

He holds hope inside him like a treasure. He wants a certain life, he wants to acheive so much. And I stand behind him, just as hopeful, always wanting the best. Always knowing that he has it inside him to be great.

If I try to save him, my whole world could cave in…

I’ve done my best, I gave everything I could. I pushed him, told him he could be whoever he wanted to be. Believed in him. Helped him get places that no one else would. But that was then. And now, if I gave all of myself again, I will get pulled in, drowning just as quickly as he will.

He’s magic and myth, as strong as what I believe

He’s amazing. He’s so much. Too much I think somedays. I’m trying to keep my head up, trying to stay strong and it’s getting harder and harder. I feel myself loosing grip. Sleep is fleeting, hard to achieve. My brain and my heart are racing to the finish.ANd I’m the only one loosing that race.

I’m waiting for some kind of miracle, waited so long

I’m wishing for clarity. I want my choice to be clear as day. I want this time to be what it was meant to be, not all skewed by the complication that is already weighing us down. Easy. Uncomplicated. Why can’t everything be like that? Without limitation, without expectation. Just happens to be exactly what it is. That’s what I should be focusing on.

He’s never enough. But still he’s more than I can take.

Exactly. Fucking exactly. I don’t know what the fuck I want. I don’t know who I want. I don’t even know how well of a person I can be. Fuckity.

If I could hold on, through the tears and the laughter… Will it be beautiful? Or just a beautiful disaster?

Guess we’ll find out.

The dawn is breaking, a light shining through. You’re barely waking, and I’m tangled up in you.

Waking up next to you. Alarms going off, phones are ringing, obligations need to be met. I’d much rather sleep next to you for another hour or so. I’d much rather spend the day wrapped up in these sheets.

I’m open, you’re closed. Where I follow, you’ll go.

I don’t mind being led. You take me places I’ve never seen, places I’d never usually go. You break me out of routine. There is nothing I would trade that for.

I worry I wont see your face light up again.

Everything is so fragile, always on the verge of being broken. What if today was the last time I got to hear you laugh? What if this was the last time I watched your face light up in response to something I said? I couldn’t bear it. I would only be able to recall that memory for so long.

I’m quiet you know, you make a first impression.

You light up a room. I can stand back and watch you shine because the residual effects of you have always worn off on me. I’m happy standing a step or two behind you because then I have front row seats to the beautiful reaction you evoke from people. It has been breathtaking.

I’ve found I’m scared to know I’m always on your mind.

For me, you stay in the back of my mind most times. I think twice when it comes to a lot of things now. I react to everything in a new way too. My eyes open in surprise and I cant take the smile off of my face to save my life. The smile you create stops people in their tracks. They look at me like I’ve solved all the troubles we face. They are jealous, I can see it written on their faces. And yet, they have no idea why I smile. That’s the power of you.

Even the best fall down sometimes. Even the wrong words seem to rhyme. Out of the doubt that fills your mind, you finally find, that you and I collide.

What never made sense now does. What seemed impossible to have, is now sitting in the palm of my hand. Thinking you would never feel again, and having your faith restored, is a beautiful thing. All possible because we managed to collide. Sometimes being victims of circumstance isn’t such a bad thing.

Take out of your wasted honor, every little past frustration.

Every moment spent wondering if you should have done something different, should have said something else, should have said what you actually meant or even kept it to yourself. All those little moments are gone, wasted. Add them up in your head and look at the total.

Take all of your so called problems, better put them in quotations.

Open a new post. Empty your thoughts to empty your head. Sit. Think. Wonder what others are going to say. Agonize whether you will be understood. Be judged. Worry. Think it over, again and again. Ask. Listen or not. Hope to please, hope to touch. Hit publish, close your eyes, and hold your breath. Keep wondering until the comments or emails come in. Still wonder if you were clear enough, if you had said what you really meant. If you had been real. If you were brave enough to be real.

Walkin’ like a one man army, Fightin’ with the shadows in your head.

“I have something to say” “I don’t want to let anyone down” “If I was totally real, people wouldn’t like it” “I’ve hurt enough people” “It’s not just about me” “I cant say that” “I cant be that” “I cant be myself”

Livin’ up the same old moment, Knowing you’d be better off instead.

Time to let it go. Shake it off. Stop worrying so much about what he thinks, or what she says, or what they wish you could be. You are you. You are the best person you know how to be. How can anyone ask for any more from you? If they loved you, if they cared, they would never ask for more than what you are. They would see your light. They would love to watch you shine. And you shine. You shine so bright that sometimes I have to look away. But the smile stays on my face.

You better know that in the end it’s better to say too much, then never to say what you need to say again.

Here’s your chance. What if you don’t get it again? What if all the courage that you’ve built up ends up falling flat? Where is that going to leave you? Here is your chance. Say what you need to say. Don’t be afraid. Whoever is left standing after you’ve blown everyone away are the ones who deserve to hear your voice.

Even if your hands are shaking, and your faith is broken. Even as the eyes are closing. Do it with a heart wide open.

Why? You really want to know why? Because you fucking CAN. Because you should. Because at the end of your days, you can look back and say, “Yeah, I fucking SAID it. There it is. I said it and I don’t regret it.” Don’t regret anything. Everything you do today, everything you did yesterday, and everything you will do tomorrow is going to effect who you are, who you will become, and who you will touch. Everything happens for a reason. Don’t regret yours.

Say What You Need To Say

Open a New Post. Write. Feel like every word you wrote is exactly what you believe. Believe in yourself. Believe in your words. Believe in your strength. I do. There’s a start. Even if it started with just one person saying “I Believe”. Take a leap from there.